I Am the Problem

Last weekend was very awesome because Morgan and I had the opportunity to play three shows in the Harrisburg area. They were all different from each other. I like that.

The first was a benefit show for Invisible Children. That week I had put hours of time into promoting the show for the sake of child soldiers in Uganda (staying up late making and printing flyers, working with the Human Rights Dept at the Agape Center to chip in to get a vanload of students to the show, working on music, etc). Even though they didn't show the film at the show as planned, I believe it was a successful night as far as exposing Messiah kids to a new atmosphere of music (and the banana pancakes at that diner were pretty good too). On the way home, I got to talk to Morgan about a girl that I had a crush on, which is good because she always says things I need to hear, and that night those things were encouraging things. I think I'm a lovesick maniac but I also think that's okay. So I rambled about wanting to be able to be vulnerable and selfless and loving. It's good to have Morgan's approval because she knows me well. After we were back on campus we went with Chris and Ariel (awesome people) to the spoken word night where minorities on campus passionately complained about the misconceptions of their ethnicity and identity. I like when people have a strong attitude.

The following day we Morgan and I went to a house show at Chad Frey's home. He's the director of the Agape Center and had invited me to his house show when I sat him down at the Falcon Express to interview him for an article for the Swinging Bridge. I also found out he's going to Northern Ireland with my group. Lots of students and even some faculty were at his house show, and before the main act (Justin Roth from Minneapolis) played, Morgan and I promoted ourselves by playing two songs.

We left for the second half of Justin Roth's set to go to our other show that night at a venue called the Championship, which was right across the bridge near City Island. Even though the venue was only 1.44 miles away according to mapquest, the atmosphere was so different. It's a huge old warehouse, probably the biggest venue in Harrisburg (played a few shows there when I played in a hardcore band). So although there is a sweet sound system, record store, high school scene girls, the atmosphere was entirely less personal than the house show we were just at. I found it fascinating that in America we can drive one minute down the road and experience something entirely different, even though we are essentially doing the same thing (playing music and meeting people). In another country, you can walk through hundreds of miles of villages, and you will largely get the same culture. America is beautiful because of its diversity.

Our sets have all gone well so far. At the Championship it was funny to see how peoples' character and motives impact whether they enjoy playing music. There was one band called The Study Band from Collegeville that was incredible, and had every right to present themselves as egotistical pricks, but they were very kind and genuine and fun. But then there was a prettyboy that was frontman for a local band that has been playing since I was in intermediate school, and although he is in his mid-twenties, he is still "living the dream" of trying to promote his music, his band, his image, to fourteen-year-old females that try to look like the person they stand right net to and text message the whole time the band is playing. To these "musicians," everything is a rat race. I know because I was like that at a time.

This is a good transition for me to tell you why I love the indie/folk scene. This most recent Friday, I drove three hours out of my way to play a show with Morgan in Frostburg (if you ever drive that wat, stop in a town surrounded by the mountains called Cumberland. It's old-fashioned and cute and you will meet very lovely and authentic people, and perhaps some autistic kids that like to watch you play guitar on the curb when your fingers are so cold that you cannot feel them. It's an innocent and beautiful town. I should also mention that on the way to Frostburg I was filming and a dude stuck his bare backside out of the window for me.) There is a cool place at 214 1/2 Main St (yes, that is really the address) called The Warren. Some guys who are in The Soulmobile (that tours with Shane Claiborne/The Psalters/etc) live at this house venue. We watched some James Bond until the show started and every musical act was very good. I'm getting to the point about why I love this DIY scene. Danika pointed it out to me yesterday: It reminds me of the Acts church. Everyone just wants community and a fun time together. Aaron drove up from North Carolina to play this show and didn't really want any money, and pretty much encouraged people to take his merchandise. I think that is cool. The selfless giving. If someone asks for your cloak, give them your robe, or whatever that verse is. Well if you read Acts 2 sometime, come out and experience a house show somewhere afterwards. It's a lot different than the hardcore scene. The message is through action and love, moreso than music. Although, I also miss the hardcore scene for the sake of passionate, honest writing and performance.

I crashed that night on Morgan's sofa. Her mom made a delicious breakfast, and then I was off to Westminster to meet up with Danika. She drove me to Mt. Airy and I met her family. I felt very welcomed and wished that my relationships with my own family members were as deep as theirs. Hopefully I will talk with her parents again soon sometime, because they are very wise and loving and at peace. Plus they want to know more about Messiah because Danika might consider transfering there, and because Messiah practically is a utopia on earth (sarcastic, thoguh I do have pride), I get to tell them that she should go there for reasons A, B, and C. Actually, it's Danika's decision, and because I look up to her as someone who seeks direction so well, I believe wherever she ends up will be a legitimate decision.

Danika dropped me off again at my vehicle at the Westminster mall, and I drove back to Gettysburg where I hung out at the Ragged Edge. Chris and Adam met me. I like them, and all their passion and conversation and laughing. Tara and Josh played first upstairs. They are good musicians and I like their voices together. Moreover, I like being around them because it is always fun. Josh will soon record me and Morgan at their house. Me and Morgan also palyed a good set. I got to publicly accuse Morgan of neglecting to sew the hole in the crotch of my pants. She told some humorous stories to a lot of old friends that showed up and packed out that upstairs room. Like old days, we went to the Lincoln Diner. Like old days, I didn't buy anything. Like old days, I left before most people to drive home.

I was so busy that I forgot to call Joe Markle and confirm that I could rake leaves. I called him very late, and then recalled him to say that it was probably a bad idea for me to rake his leaves this year, because this is the last day I get to spend with my family because I will be gone all of Christmas break. It's rainy anyways so hopefully he got my voicemail and is okay with it.

Speaking of family, I went to church today. I loved it. I'm getting to the point about the title of this post, finally. Morgan and I are constantly talking about our frustrations with the American church, whether it be patriotism, hypocrisy, lack of true social justice, using money as an excuse or escape, etc. Friday, Morgan quoted Ghandi, saying something about we gotta be the change that we wanna see. Then we nodded our heads, intending to be that change. So far, I haven't been that change. I am the problem.

Almost all of the conversations pertain to Christian fundamentalism (read Blue Like Jazz, and all of Don Miller's literature). Today at church, even though we had an American flag behind the drum set, even though most of the congregation is middle class, I had such a good time. Maybe that's not the point of church, but maybe it is too. I mean, the pastor said many great things that challenged me (read the beginning of 1 Corinthians 8 and James 1 and 2). The music was performed well (I believe even though some people might have their heart in it, if they are not prasing God by practicing to get good at music and all that, it is not true worship. God calls for holiness, and if you study music in the Bible, you will see that they were certain to perform it well for Him. The anything-goes mentality that my grandma and I recently discussed can't be applied to worship music. A good heart does not justify lack of ability). During the service, I realized that all the stupid unbiblical and hypocritical things that the some churches do cannot be condemned. I mean, in theory, I've had this realization before. But now I truly see that by being bitter toward the church, I am becoming everything I hate about churchgoers. Truth be told, I like MANY things about conservative, Jesus-was-a-Republican, self-righteous, holier-than-thou Christians. Just not necessarily those things in particular. I mean, I believe we are called to a righteous and holy life. I also believe that those type of radicals have a great grasp on some aspects of life and love, and that those on the other extreme have a good grasp on different things, like community and genuine love through action. We should be combining forces to advance the Kingdom of God, but it's not just the fundamentalists that are putting themselves on a pedastal about their views, it's the activists and social reformers as well. The problem for me is that I am the problem. And I am caught in the middle, but I don't think it's right to side with either party. I don't want to let go of certain great things that both groups have. I just want to unite and combine them. I think that's why Messiah dropped their denominational affiliation and mention "reconciliation in the church" in their mission statement.

Anyways, this blog as a whole is suppose to pertain to our trip around America, whih I might have completely neglected to comment on during this post. Well, here are my comments:

I told my sister I would need the video camera for our trip. She got defensive and said she needed it for a school project. I know very well, out of experience, that graduation projects at my high school are a complete joke. And I would hope very well that she would realize that I am trying to make a career/lifetime out of doing things like this, involving journalism and media. But anyways, it's all good apparently. Mom told me that some extended family chipped in for a new video camera for me to purchase. I hate this kind of thing, though. It really puts me on the spot at the last minute to learn everything possible about video cameras to make a good purchase. Mom doesn't realize how big on an investment that is for a college student. So my purchase really has to count, especially since I have basically no money of my own. I hope the video camera will arrive before we leave. I am getting very pissed off talking about this. I know that's ridiculous.

Anyways, with all that said, my family is fine. I like being home, but I also like being away from home. I'm indifferent. You know, isn't the world our home? Home is people, not a place, and just because I am biologically linked to some people does not mean I care less about others. I care about those I am biologically linked to, because I would not have met them otherwise because we are so different, but then again, if I wasn't biologically linked to them, maybe I wouldn't be different.

transcendentalism

Henry David Thoreau should have written New Testament letters.

In Walden, Thoreau chooses to live a simple life in the woods. He encourages the concept of making one's affairs few, so that he or she can focus rather than be torn in 452987 separate directions by frivolous things (which ultimately leads to a lack of progress).

I've been very much at peace this week, and I think this is why. This weekend Morgan and I played three shows, and they were all equally awesome. I am choosing to give away some clothes and I am choosing to stop thinking about myself. When someone wants my help, I help them. It's not only fulfilling, but it's fun.

I'm ready to leave home, because I am starting to detach myself from "things." I realize now that the only "thing" that really matters is people. And the Gospel of Christ. Take away everything else, and you only gain from it. (Though I could never depart with my Macintosh.)

I don't care about purchasing gift store items or even seeing famous landmarks and monuments. I'm largely indifferent. I just want to meet people. That is what gives traveling its worth.

December 19 is too far away.

Casting Bait

My only fear is that I will neglect minimalism. It's so easy to be a tourist, and it's so easy to spend money, to think about money, to consider money.

I'm ok with spending money, really, but not wasting it. If I don't need something, I really don't want it. The value of a dollar is degraded to us. $30 can feed 15 Zambians for a year, says Paul.

What I'm saying is that I better only spend cash, leave the debit card behind. I better not even bring $100, because what I have, I will spend. (Most of) the church still strongly believes in hospitality, and I believe that will suffice for me, as far as food and shelter is concerned. I need to learn to allow myself to be blessed by others anyways, without feeling the need to reciprocate. Again, the theme is opening up myself to vulnerability.

Paul informed me of a few changes. We'll be making our first stop in Ohio at a Young Life camp. I am indifferent about this. We will be then stopping at Hannah's in Minnesota. Then Yellowstone. I think that's what it was. There are two main routes to Seattle from there, one through Montana mountains, which Danika suggested, and one through Twin Falls Idaho, which professional hitchhiker Tara acknowledged as an incredible town with incredible people. My goal is to be indifferent and appreciative of everything.

Wish I could dedicate a lifetime to this kind of thing.
Oh, wait.
I can?
Minimalism at its finest?
Join me?

Genesis

My intent to become a vagabond was discovered halfway through my "being in a band" career in high school. Sleeping on strangers' floors and dumpster diving did not appeal to me until I recognized that in the universe of the music scene, these events were not only "cool," but also efficient, as far as living is concerned. However, my current, more recently developed incentive for living a bare-bones life is adventure. Adventure is central to the human heart. Some people just aren't willing to be vulnerable to embracing adventure.

Over the past month, my logic for most of my actions has been, "you only live once." I think I like it. Not many regrets thus far.

The !Kung people of the Kalahari Desert measure wealth not by how much one possesses, but by how "free" one can be. They don't understand how Americans can buy homes and material things, because to them, it seems like we are tying ourselves down. It seems like we are unable to travel and be mobile. Their philosophy is to share all possessions and duties equally.

So one night around 3 AM I was sitting in the kitchen/lounge area of my floor in Naugle Residence at Messiah College. My RA Paul came in the room and sat down and we had some small talk. I told him that Morgan and I were considering doing some touring over winter break with our musical endeavors. He asked if we'd like to come along with him on a big road trip across America. "I always wanted to travel the country but I never found anybody adventurous enough to do it with." I thought that was absurd, that nobody would consider leaving their "things" behind, considering that you only live once. I told Paul I would go with him.

The next day I presented the opportunity to Morgan and she declined, although she said it would be an enjoyable journey. She had family and friends to see over the break which I completely understood/understand.

So it was decided that Paul and I would go travel America, stopping at friends' homes everywhere between Pennsylvania, Seattle, the Grand Canyon, and Dallas. It was also decided that another person would have to come along to cut gas costs (we estimated a safe $350 per person). We would sleep in the car (Paul's Audi) or on living room floors and use many of Paul's hundreds of Chic-fil-a free meal coupons. I will save up my campus flex dollars and buy out the campus grocery store the day before departure.

So that was the story back in September. It is now mid-November, and since then the following things have occured:

- Paul has decided not to go, to go during summer instead, and finally officially redecided to go during winter break. He has finally expressed his official dedication to the trip.
- Paul's friend Mike, from Paul's hometown (Salisbury, MD) would come along
- It was decided we would each drive roughly 4 hours a day
- It was decide we are going to videotape and journal our adventures (via internet/this website?)
- I got dumped
- I got a $10/hr job on campus
- I worked two jobs for a month
- I met awesome people
- I have fully completed 11 textbooks and novels in a two-month period
- I got accepted to go on a service trip to Northern Ireland over spring break to share Jesus with the world

I purchased two copies of Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller, and Paul and I have been reading together. Right now I'm about 5 chapters behind, but tomorrow is partially devoted to catching up with him. The story is about two boys who leave home in an old VW van. It contemplates the "why" of life rather than the "how." It's good preparation for our own road trip. It makes me wish we had more than 19 days for our own journey. I'd like to work without a schedule.

This book I speak of is the reason for this blog's URL ("TheWordIsLeave"). In the author's preface, he talks about just leaving things behind that tie you down, to just get out and fully live. To hold nothing back. "It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change....I want to repeat one word for you: Leave."
These words are what inspired Paul to finally just drop his concerns about the future and just do this trip. I am proud and thankful for these words and Paul's response to them.

My goal is to encourage all people to leave. I work with Phonathon and call Messiah alumni, asking them for advice to me as a college student. The theme reoccurs: "Enjoy it while it lasts." They imply, "Just wait until you have to handle the real world." This is a sad thing. I don't think there's anything that says you shouldn't have fun in college, but at the same time, it shouldn't be the time of your life; it should prepare you for the time of your life. Hear this, America: I will not be what you want me to be. I will live life. When I am 94 and living on a morphine pump, I will not reflect on life in regret of not taking a chance, not pursuing adventure. When there is a risk, I will take it. When there is a dangerous, Kingdom-advancing opportunity, I will take it. When to live for Christ means love and sacrifice, I will do it. When earth's most gorgeous female exists, I will vulnerably present my heart and selflessly guard, encourage, and provide for hers (and it will be beautiful). I will live.

One reason besides college that I left my old band is the rat race. There's a mentality that Satan has wildly dispersed throughout the Christian hardcore scene that says, "who can get signed first" or "who can sell the coolest merchadise to the most people." I will no longer give into our culture's numerous other rat races that promise nothing as a reward. I will store treasures in heaven. I will be bold now, because that means I will have to be held accountable to truly live, which means I will be fulfilled.

Today I met Mike, who came up for the weekend. I am glad I met him. I believe most of the bonding between Paul, him, and me will be done on the road. That's where we will really learn about each other.

We leave December 19, the day after finals. We'll make projected stops in Wisconsin, Minnesota, Yellowstone, Seattle, Oregon (Christmas with Paul's friends), Cali, Nevada, Grand Canyon, etc etc, among others.

I can't get too ahead of myself, though. There's still many things to enjoy between now and December 19. These things include, but are certainly not limitted to: actually being Thankful at Thanksgiving, talking to DJ at 4 AM about why he's a communist, seeing average-quality musical performance with Morgan at the Union (while listening to her insight from philosophy class), coming back late at night to find roommates (Austin and Dave) laughing histarically at The Office, getting 2 hours of sleep on select nights, filling out my application to study in Uganda, finally not having to get up for my original campus job, talking to Danika on iChat during class, etc etc etc

Truth be told, I have nothing to complain about. I am blessed. And it's ok to be blessed.

Thank you, Chris, for your inspiration and legacy of walking from Minnesota to Philly.
Thank you, Mom, for tolerating me and not making decisions for me (because really, I know what I'm doing, right?).
Thank you, Don Miller, you freaking inspiring guy.
Thank you, Psalters, for playing on our campus.
Thank you, students, for talking to me as a stranger in Lottie or Boyer or wherever we met. Without knowing it, you are my daily inspiration, and your enthusiasm is like electricity to me.
Thank you, Christ, for without your love, I'd be too afraid to go anywhere. For always allowing me to come back to you. For teaching me what my studies in cross-cultural ministries are all about, how I can not just simply speak the Gospel, but live it. For not revealing an understanding of grace to me.

For being all that I am not.