We're Leaving Kansas

!!!!

Day 5 - Hays KS

Since my youth, I've always pushed myself. People call it being a perfectionist. There was a time when I was at a summer camp and I had one mean counselor and one nice counselor. The nice counselor told us if we needed to wake someone up in the middle of the night, he would understand that we might be more comfortable waking him up rather than the mean guy. All of his kids in the past woke him up instead of the mean counselor, simply due to fear. Later that week, I woke up at midnight and had to throw up. I wanted to be the bigger man and push myself so I took the chance of waking up the mean counselor first.

Today was the first day of maybe my entire life since early childhood that I lived without a goal, without trying to push myself. I just woke up and then whatever happened happened. It was the first day that my perfectionism did not show up. I fully accepted the place I was in.

I decided getting out of the room and experiencing life in Hays might be worthwhile, so I got online to find what kind of entertainment was in town. Apparently, Hays is home of the largest shopping center in western Kansas. It is about half of the size of the North Hanover Mall in my hometown. Pitiful, haha. When we were hanging out in one of the stores, Paul commented on the phone to someone that we were stuck in "some place called Hays, Kansas" and one of the employees overheard him and giggled.

We saw the Will Smith movie that is out called "Seven Pounds." I don't think this is the appropriate forum for a movie review, but I will say that I enjoyed it, personally. If you want my thoughts because you are considering whether you want to see it, feel free to ask. If not, I'll spare you the irrelevant ramblings.

As the sun set while we were in the theatre, the temperature also dropped significantly. We ran across town back to the hotel because we were freezing.

When we got back I took a book into the bar/restaurant in our hotel. I took a booth, started reading, and occasionally looked up to check the score of the Boise St/TCU football game. After finishing one chapter, I decided to move locations into the lounge area around the pool just for a change in background ambiance.

The book I'm reading is one that I traded with Katy before I left about this guy who takes it upon himself to live as an urban homeless guy. I don't agree with all of his approaches and mindsets about everything, or at least the way he explains things, but it's definitely inspiring. I think my next adventure will have to be joining the complexity of America's urban poor society. It's a really fascinating and challenging thought, and just reading about it (from this book and others) ignites a huge flame in my heart. Maybe this summer I'll have to spend some time in the streets. Witness real life. You know, Christlike outreach. Authentic ministry. A lot of mentors and family and friends would probably advise against it, which I understand also. But it's something I want to do someday, so should I let something hold me back from it? Is that how we should live life?

I really don't have many profound thoughts today. I might not even have any. Maybe it's because I didn't push myself today. I didn't try to succeed. I just lived. It's the first time that I've got the full 8 hours of sleep for two days in a row in a very long time. All I know is that I woke up, did stuff, and now I'm going to sleep; God is good because He gave us Christ and for now, anyway, that should suffice.

Hopefully the part for the Audi will arrive tomorrow morning and we will be on the road again. If not, it may be as late as the end of the week that we are able to depart from here. Nothing I can do at this point besides take what is given to me and give what is given to me.

Stuck?

Once, when I was in the deepest part of a continually failing relationship, my friend and mentor Dan Dahler texted me a rephrased version of a verse from James, saying something like, "Let patience have its way with you, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing."

In the last post I hinted at one of life's greatest motifs: being caught, stranded, stopped, deep into something. I also began to explain how our natural reaction is to seek immediate solution. As soon as things get uncomfortable, we run to comfort. As soon as we approach the unknown, we fall back to what we know. Grandpa says it sounds like my goal in this trip is to explore. I don't disagree. Naturally, one might feel like when their travels stop, exploring stops. Unfortunately, we might have to cut Colorado or Seattle or something out of our trip. Sounds like less exploring to some, but to me, I'd say it sounds like more exploring. More time to dig deep into a town, it's culture, it's people. I want to get out of this hotel room today, out into the town or at least meet some others residing in the hotel. I hate excessive comfort more than I hate my toes being cold in the car.

Sometimes I think about whether God has a reason for everything. It might be cynical, but I think some things don't have reason in "the big picture." Although, I do believe that we can give them reason, and I do believe that God can make the good come out of the bad. For example, if we spend money on a part for a car, we might be able to learn that worrying about finances is the last thing we should do in life. We might grow. Or we could opt to overturn "God's work" and become frustrated with our lack of forward momentum. In my old band, we would call it "forward motion."

This morning was spent on fifteen minutes of continental breakfast and an hour and a half of calling cab companies and churches in Topeka. Like large corporations and industries, most church numbers directed me to an impersonal answering machine. However, one student ministry icked up and spoke with me at a personal, empathetic level. They wanted to help, but given the time frame, they were unable. That I understand. What I don't understand is churches neglecting even prayer or sympathy for the needy. Maybe I'm so used to being the giver that I'm not used to being the receiver of blessing. Maybe now I am better able to empathize with oppression and human suffering. For people like Richard and Gene, help may never come. They may always be waiting. Waiting will become their lifestyle. At least I know that for me, the part for the vehicle may come tomorrow, and we may be back on the road. It might not come until after Christmas, in which case we might have to cut out sections of our trip. As long as I see the Grand Canyon and the Rockies and hopefully the Pacific Ocean, I'd be content. I mean, I don't want to ask for all of that, but I've always wondered about the landscape of the west and what it would be like to witness it in person. So I say we can skip Denver or Seattle or Reno, but then there's always the desires of Paul and Mike, which I think would be more appropriate to selflessly yield to. I'm not really one for monuments or tourism, just experiencing creation. But if others are the opposite of that, I should learn to be ok with following their lead.

Patti ordered our part and I'm hoping that all will be ok and it will arrive tomorrow. Who wouldn't hope for that?

I'm going to get out of the room and go explore or work out or something. Maybe I'll take a walk and see what happens.

To quote Paul, "Wouldn't be a road trip without something like this." I'd like to think that he's not sarcastically referring to adventure.

My cell phone is just about dead. Contact me here.

Day 4 - Hays KS

"Tomorrow we will wake up and drive to Denver."

That's how I ended my journaling last night.

I do a lot of thinking about progress, and I frequently condemn myself for living in the future instead of the present. I do a lot of thinking about whether everything that happens has a deeper reason or whether some things are arbitrarily beneficial or unfortunate.

We slept in until a decent hour and hit up a Kansas City Chick-fil-a. I was driver this morning and I drove halfway across the beautiful rolling plains of Kansas. Lots of majestic wind turbine things and oil pumps and buffalo and middle-America things. Hours later we stopped at a Flying J right off of I-70, the road we've become well acquainted with for quite some time. Stepping back into the car after pumping gas I noticed an obnoxious smell, but I kind of blew it off, thinking that maybe I simply didn't notice it when I was inside the car because I had become immune to it. When Paul and Mike got back into the car, they noticed it also. They were more determined to get to the bottom of this problem (thankfully) and started to push bags and food and pillows around. Paul saw that his $60 pillow was burnt and that someone had left the seat warmer on, which actually ended up burning right through the seat. So now one of our back seats has two large burn marks on it. The plastic is brown from catching fire and melting.

Ticked about the situation, we pushed onward to Denver, Paul driving now. We're coming up to a police unit on the highway that is moving relatively slowly. He motions to us to pass him in the right lane, so Paul steps on the gas. Right as he does so, the Audi begins shaking so Paul hits his four-ways and pulls to the side of the road. The cop pulled off as well, but then got right back on the road, leaving us in the dust without even checking on us. So we're disturbed by the flashing check engine light and stuck in the flatlands of rural Kansas, 300 miles from any of our contacts. We try driving again, thinking that perhaps the check engine light was just an electronic malfunction, but the car began to shake again. After making a few phone calls and just waiting it out for awhile, we took a risk by driving four miles to the next exit. As we were pulling into an auto shop right off of the interstate, we saw the guy inside laughing at us. He told us to go downtown (haha, downtown Ellis....right....) where we would find Ellis Auto Repair. We waited inside talking with Patti, the secretary (her busband is the mechanic). The problem was finally discovered, but we were not able to get the part today. They told us that they could make some calls tomorrow to get the part in, but there are still no solid promises. The only other option is to drive 200+ miles in the reverse direction of Denver to pick up the part at an Audi dealership (which would only be open tomorrow, anyway).

I made a few calls to churches from the town of Ellis (thanks to the help of Danika), but they all lead to answering machines. I did, however get the number of Father Curtis from St. Mary's Church who, according to the answering machine, was only to be called in "emergency situations such as a sacrificial anointment or death." Thinking that three young males with a broken down car in need of a place to stay was an equally worthy cause, I dialed the father's number. He was receptive to our situation, partly out of obligation I assume. I explained that we were from Messiah College and traveling and asked if any members of his congregation would be willing to take us in for a night. He said he'd check into it and call me back, but when he called back he said he wouldn't want to risk anything in times like today, but he recommended staying at the truck stop area or calling one of the Hays cab companies (using the numbers he provided me). I thanked him for his help, kind of wishing that he had invited us over so that I could put an end toward the bitterness of Catholicism that I've been brought up on.

Patti said she would drive us to Hays where we could get a hotel room. Paul called his dad, who somehow booked us a hotel room at a Holiday Inn for free. That's where I am now. It's funny, ya know. The Audi has caused so many problems, but we've been blessed because of it's downfall. Then Paul's mom called him and I answered cuz he was in the shower in our room. She said that it's best that we broke down, maybe, because today Denver got seven inches and all that.

The only problem is the unknown, which in all reality is what makes life interesting anyway. In fact, I'd rather be on a trip where I couldn't anticipate anything. This is a good break from things going according to plan. Life is not systematic, and that is why it is beautiful.

So we're here indefinitely, at the Holiday Inn. We have three days until we can't be here for free. Tomorrow we will wait for Patti's call about whether they can get the part for the Audi shipped in within the day. If the answer is yes, we will be back on the road soon. If the answer is no, I kind of want to take a Greyhound back to Topeka and pick up the part we need at an Audi dealership. The other option is to rent a car for a day and do that. Either way, we should be out of here by Wednesday at the latest. I mean, I know Paul would probably like to spend Christmas with his family in Denver. I would like to also. Mike's probably itching to snowboard and probably pretty disappointed that we are missing out on that currently. Hopefully a more local warehouse or auto place has what we need and can get it to us soon. By soon, I mean that tomorrow morning would be extremely convenient. But life is life, you know. You just gotta take what it feeds you and be blessed. After all, Paul got to wear his speedo in the hotel pool and we have plenty of food for the next few days. Plus access to all that pornography that we can charge to Paul's dad's credit card. I'm kidding, mom, don't judge me. We're good kids. I swear it. Just trying to give you a heart attack....

In other news, footage from our first day on the road:



300 miles from anyone Paul knows and maybe a thousand from anyone I know feels ok, actually. Just because I'm not in the comfort of security doesn't mean something is missing. If you ask me, something is gained. You learn the most in your vulnerability. Why does our culture make it so hard to cope with our existance when we live in the unknown? Our immediate solution is to seek that which we are used to (i.e. the comfort of your own room, like a hotel).

Kansas City - Day 3 Dec 21 - 11:22 PM

Three and a half hours of sleep is not sufficient if one's car loses the ability to produce heat. Maybe it's because all of middle North America was below ten degrees outside that the heat in Paul's Audi did not want to cooperate. We departed the Burns residence outside of Cincinnati at 6 AM, trying not to wake anybody. Mike drove first, but the car was only spitting out cold heat, and my toes went numb. For hours I tried wiggling them to keep the blood moving around, but I got tired and fell asleep. Thirty minutes later when I awoke, my toes were cold, hard stones. I'll skip the spiritual metaphor aspect of this rant and just say that I am terrified of being in the cold, especially since I read the story in the Jesus Freaks book about where Christians were forced to sit naked on a slab of ice in below-zero temperatures. In the car, I also kept thinking about Richard from yesterday.

We did a lot of eating in the car and didn't stop anywhere for food. We did stop in St. Louis to see that giant silver arch monument thingamajig. The museum was surprisingly professional and the employees were warm and kind. I like telling people that I'm traveling across the country just to see how they react. Lots of them seem entirely indifferent as if it's nothing at all, and I think I like that reaction the best.

Paul drove the rest of the way to Kansas City where we are staying with a family that lives on IHOP (International House of Prayer) property. If I'm not mistaken, the family has 12 adopted children and 3 of their own. This house that we are staying in is a registered children's home or something like that. We went to an IHOP service tonight, and the music was ridiculously professional. I've never experienced a televised religious service in person until today. Then we went to one of the prayer houses, where they've been continually praying without stopping for over nine years. 24/7. They pray a lot. The worship music there was even more incredible and Mike and I agreed that we didn't understand how one church can have so many amazing musicians playing all the time, even at once in separate buildings.

Whenever I am moved by music I question why I am in school for the next fours years. Good "worship" music gives me profound lyrical ideas that I just want to shout at the top of my lungs to reach out to others. I want to be an intense spoken-word/yelling vocalist for an ambient/heavy-post-rock band. Every time I think about it I question why I don't just go do it now. I have never been more passionate about the Gospel than I have when involved with intense, heartfelt music that I helped create. My sabbath from loud and desperate music is over.

Tomorrow we will wake up and drive to Denver.

EDIT: I will comment on today later on. For all those who have heard what is up with us right now, thank you for your prayers. Keep em coming. I'd rather write about these events in retrospect.

Day 2 - Cincinnati OH

Well, I must begin by summarizing yesterday evening. Got pulled over ten minutes into Ohio. Speeding ticket. I'm indifferent and unaffected by it.

Arrived in West Chester, OH at a reunion get together at Kelsey's house (about 11:30). She's part of Paul's old Young Life work crew. Everyone who came knew each other, but it's cool because I didn't feel at all excluded or anything.

Special thanks before I forget: I appreciated you being a temporary part of our trip, Megan Clapp. Have fun returning to Pittsburgh.

During our adventure to Ikea, Paul left his camera somewhere in that giant store (the same one in which I obliviously walked into the women's facilities). God is good because when we went back, Megan asked an employee if they found a camera and he said that they had, in fact, found Paul's camera.

Lots of hanging out with people and food and fun today. The climax was an ice skating extravaganza in the square/downtown of Cincinnati. I didn't want to spend more money (nor did I have a strong urge to ice skate), so I decided to take a walk around town, partially hoping to meet someone cool and partially hoping to find a cool coffee shop (I don't even like coffee) at which to do some reading. Never found the cafe I was looking for, but ran into some transparent people.

I never got the first guy's name, but he was sitting under a Brazilian restaurant's awning. I had seen him sitting there when we originally rolled into town. We didn't talk long because he was in a rush to get to his friend's house to get a shower. He accredited his blessings to God's grace which was pretty refreshing. So I got up from there and started venturing more. DJ called me and said Paul and Ally were looking for me. Concerned that they were worried at my wandering off, I started walking back downtown. I was a block from the ice skating rink when a scruffy six-foot man approached me in his crooked black beanie.

Shifting in and out of eye contact, spoken with a tell-tale tone of shame: "Hi, excuse me, my name is Gene I was raised a Baptist went to Baptist church moved here went to Crossroads Jesus Christ is my Savior in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths I was abused as a child both me and my sister were abused"

I cut off his soliciting run-on sentence, saying, "You don't have to justify anything to me, bro. Just tell me what you need."

"I'm just looking for a sandwich or something. I haven't eaten in a day and a half."

Eager to hear his story: "Are there any places around here? I would love to sit and talk with you over food."

"There's a place three blocks up the road toward the shelter where I have to grab my bags and get on the bus in time to visit my sister." At this point I became skeptical of his immediacy and intentions, so I told him that if he wanted to travel that far down the street (there were a few restaurants on our block anyways), that I would have to find my friend Paul to come with us. He asked if I could even spare a quarter, and I said no, I would like to provide the service and I don't believe in tossing out money arbitrarily to feel good about myself. I asked Gene if I could pray with him, and he was quite thankful for it. I saw a deep feeling of disconnect in his eyes. He said he felt weak and was not used to having to beg. He likes to be able to support himself. I told him that simply reveals his strength, that God created us to be dependent on each other and that only true men with true strength can bring themselves to being willing to rely on others. It's a shame that he has to create stories to scam people that he doesn't want to scam simply for a meal.

I walked back to the skating rink and met up with Paul, who had not been worried. He just wanted to know where I was so he could join me cuz he decided not to ice skate. We walked on the opposite end of town. Came across a cute ice cream and candy/baked goods shop. Then we came across Richard. He was sitting on a red milk crate with a giant jacket (the hood sticking out a foot over the top of his face), holding a cardboard sign that I didn't really read about his needing help. Paul and I took a seat on the sidewalk next to him and we asked if he liked it here. His first words: "I hate Cincinnati." Accepting the offer for food was done without hesitation. He said there was a pizza place around the corner. Megan had given me ten dollars earlier, saying to use it if I encountered an appropriate opportunity to do so. I told Richard to order anything up to ten dollars (even after insisting on buying more multiple times, he only ordered a slice of white pizza).

Our order was up quickly and we made conversation with Richard about where he was from (Charlotte) and how long he'd been in Cincinnati (6 years: 4 with family, 2 at a shelter, 6 months in the street). I like having someone around when I am with strangers, especially Paul, because you can't always be perfectly consistent in creating conversation. Where I was stuck in loving this guy, Paul filled the gaps. Where Paul was stuck, I tried to do the same.

Paul asked Richard how often someone offered him food. "Maybe once a week. Some people turn it down, but I never turn it down. You have no idea. It's fine by me."

Apparently people actually never eat with Richard. They buy him food, when they do, and then leave immediately. Laughing, he said I asked a lot of questions and talked more than anyone before. I was probably like an obnoxious child.

I thought houseless guys would always want to share their story, like Gene, but Richard's answers to my nagging questions were quite vague. I asked why his fmaily kicked him out and he said, "cuz of my mouth. I don't curse, but I tell em like it is." I asked him why he was expelled from the shelter. "Cuz of my mouth."

"Is there anything you can do to use your brutal honesty for good? Can you change the way you use your mouth for a positive change?"

Richard thought for a few seconds but replied with a straightforward "no."

As Paul was discussing college football with Richard, another much larger man stumbled toward us. "Gentlemen! I got what you're looking for."

Anticipating a pizza-shop scam, but still wanting to demonstrate some Jesus-affiliated love, I asked for his name. "My name is Rock," he claimed, flashing a gold tooth and x-shaped scar on his neck as Richard slipped back out with some impersonal goodbyes to hit the streets again for loose change of passersby.

After some thug-hand-shake greetings, Rock sat down at our table and presented a slightly used bottle of expensive cologne without a cap. He also displayed a stuffed dog. "Now fellas, I know I've been doing a little drinking; but this is $70 cologne, and I'll give it to you for $12. Smell me, just smell me. If you were ladies, you would want this, now, wouldn't you? And this dog, only $7. No, $6."

I cut him off, trying to shift conversation, "Where are you from, Rock?"

"Detroit"
"What are you doing down here?"
"Traveling. I have a vendor's license," he said, presenting a random visa card from Kentucky, with the name Emmanuel. I asked his name again and he gave me the name on the card, also presenting another card with that name, a driver's license from Ohio. I believed that this was him at this point. He put the messy pile of documents back into one of his 92735 beige jacket pockets. Paul asked Rock if he knew what Emmanuel meant, and Rock claimed that it meant "God with us" because God has always been with him yada yada yada....

"We're traveling too, Rock. We're going around the country. You have any tips for us?"
"Man, I'm just here to visit my boys. I have three boys here. They got a great mama and I wanna stay involved with their lives. You guys smoke, I also got some cigarettes...."
Paul said he didn't smoke and I said I never had but that I've considered the thought of maybe one day trying a pipe because they smell so good. I told him that we weren't interested in his products. He kept playfully forcing the cologne and stuffed animal at us, mainly me because Paul already said he had a girlfriend. I had told him that I was single and might need a little help picking up the ladies. He knew that I was just egging him on, but he tried anyway, putting the dog on my arm and leaning closer into me to make me smell the over-applied aroma.

Finally I was trying to fend off Rock's offers, and he said that between me and Paul, I was the "aggressor." He accused us of merely wanting to talk and I asked him if there was something wrong with that. I told him that I liked people and just wanted to meet him.

"Yes, but I don't just talk for free. You owe me $2."

Refusing to pay, I asked him why I should give him money that he would spend on alcohol anyway. "Because giving money is how we get our blessings."

"Do you believe that we're supposed to buy God's good will?" asked Paul.

"If I give you this dollar now," Rock/Emmanuel explained, "then later I might walk on the street and someone will hand me $1000."

When we left the shop, Rock chased us down the block yelling at us to return his gold chain. We had no idea what he was talking about, so he turned around after a few failed attempts.

Later that night I saw Gene again. He grabbed my hand, shook it with meaning, and thanked me.

I'm going to sleep now and wake up in three hours to drive to St. Louis. We'll drive another few hours from there to the International House of Prayer in Kansas City.

Day 1 - Pittsburgh PA

We've been on the road for about two hours and I have yet to feel like I've left home. Perhaps it's due in part to the fact that I am anxiously awaiting the majesty of the Rocky Mountains and the notorious storms of tornado valley, or maybe it has to do with the fact that whenever I am around people, I feel at home.

Paul and Mike have incredibly different personalities than me. Our worldviews might stray a little from each other, but I'm fine with that. If there was someone in this Audi with the same thoughts as me, I'd be aggravated with a sense of ongoing competition. I'm comfortable with my differences, especially after just reading a chapter (in The Art of Happiness - written by America's top psychologist concerning his interviews with the Dalai Lama) about connecting with people. The Dalai Lama explains the complexity of connectedness, how we can't exhibit empathy correctly if we do it the same way to everyone. More on that later, if necessary....

Right now we're parked at a truck stop right off of the turnpike. Paul's first acknowledgement of the building was, "Oh! They have a Starbucks!" I told him that if he is that excited for coffee every time he sees a Starbucks, he won't have enough money to purchase a beverage when we arrive at the first ever Starbucks in Seattle. His response, "I know. but I want it NOW!" I've never heard that one before from any Americans anywhere.

Maybe that's why I need to go on this trip, to erase my view that all Americans are self-absorbed people seeking personal ambition with the perception that "more is better."

We're back on the turnpike now. I'm thinking about food. Mostly about eating it. Not because I'm hungry but because food is the reason we're sitting in such a crammed car.

So far I haven't cursed during this trip. Paul says "up yours" counts as a cuss word, so it's gonna be pretty hard to keep my streak going, but hopefully beneficial.

We're about an hour and a half from Megan's house in Pittsburgh. She invited us over for dinner, and she will be joining us in the car tonight as we drive to Dayton, OH. It might be a little tight in the car, but Megan is small and we can still play a little tetris to get personal items situated better in the back seat.

I really don't know our agenda. I know the general route, but I like to be surpirsed; so I'm not bugging Paul about it. Planning things removes the adventure aspect, which is why I'm glad that I don't really know anyone that we are visiting.

Mike took it upon himself to read Paul's car manual. We found out that there are actually streets that require you to have chains on your tires. We decided to disregard that and stuff. Other people disregard it. Why can't we? We also discovered a small compartment below the steering wheel that's supposed to be able to hold two books. Crazy German manufactures must be crazy about their literature. Speaking of which, Paul just mentioned that he forgot to bring his German dictionary that he intended to study.

Backstreet Boys is perfect music to create nostalgia while driving through the tunnels that go through western Pennsylvania mountains.

Just some observations. More to come whenever I can pick up wireless signal next....