Monday, December 29, 2008

Days 9 & 10 - Stockton, KS

On our way to the Grand Canyon, should get there before sunrise. The sun just went down in Amarillo, Texas. I'll explain more later. Here are some posts I made when we didn't have wireless connection in Stockton....sorry for lack of organization....

Day 9 - Stockton, KS 11:34 PM

Paul's friends in Kansas actually knew some people that lived around here, so we got ahold of them. They are used to putting up strangers in their home so they were kind enough to drive 45 minutes out of their way, pick up the three of us, and drive us back to their town, asking nothing in return. Finally we don't have to hang out with all of our luggage in hotel lobbies for several hours, hoping to get out of the place we're stranded in.

They drove us 45 minutes north of our hotel to an even smaller town called Stockton. It's got a nice, antique brick-road downtown area. The lanes are very wide with few cars and many independently-owned small businesses.

I don't know everyone's names in this house. I forget these things very quickly. They are all very hospitable and treat us much more as a blessing than a burden. There are about 5 adults currently residing here and two high schoolers who were adopted from Ecuador when they were young. They both wrestle and used to play drums and are quality kids. We talked about sports and stuff.

The family treated us to a home-cooked Kansas meal, much better than any restaurants in Hays could have offered. There was chicken-noodle soup, mashed potatoes, salad (with what I like to call "Kansas dressing"), bread, vegetables, etc. It was all delicious, as I had been snacking on continental breakfast leftovers for the past two days. There are also about a dozen different desserts to choose from, great Christmas leftovers. Apple pie, ice cream, smore cake things, rocky road cookies, etc.

The next thing they treated us to was bowling, the only in-town entertainment besides the once-a-week-volunteer-run movie theater. It was a nice bowling alley and when we walked in, there were some head nods, signifying that the whole town knew each other.

After two games of bowling, we returned home and watched a rented movie. Movies are good because they ask nothing of you other than to be entertained. I think they are essential to the American lifestyle in the way that they inspire and refresh us (though abused by some for laziness).

We were told that we could be driven to Wichita tomorrow to pick up the part we need (yes, they actually offered to drive us three hours out of the way, that's 6 hours round-trip). However, I was not able to get ahold of Mike, the UPS guy in Wichita. The voicemail inbox on his personal cell phone is full.

So if we can't get ahold of Mike, we'll attend North Oak Community Church tomorrow morning (the same church that we walked to for Christmas Eve service). Then, for once, we'll spend a day without thinking about how we can get out of town, and just accept the fact that we have to wait until Monday to leave. I still want to commit to our same route. I think (and hope) Paul is warming up to the idea. I think it'd be an absolute shame and crime to come out here and not see the Grand Canyon and Rocky Mountains. I could sacrifice the Redwoods and Pacific Ocean if I had to, but really, they are right on the way. It is all doable. A lot of driving, yes, but what is a road trip, anyway?

I'm going to stop here because I'm typing on my computer and playing music and Mike is trying to sleep. I also have a light on. Oh! Also wanted to mention that the lady who picked us up also has a Cross-cultural Ministries degree (like me) and actually knows one of the two main characters in the book that I just finished (the one about the two guys who chose to be homeless for awhile).

Goodnight, world.






Day 10 - Stockton/Hays Ks

Got plenty of superb sleep on a nice carpeted floor. Took a 30-second shower. Went to church at the same church that we went to on Christmas Eve. It was everything you might imagine a typical church to be. Nothing more, nothing less, much like the Christmas Eve service.

We then ate pizza for lunch and played pool with Carlos and Diego in the youth room upstairs in the church. After a stop at Wal-Mart we returned home to chill. Today was quite the Sabbath, some might say. Just resting and appreciating what has been given to you. We've been so well-fed. Every meal has been so complete, and dessert of some kind is always offered. I've experienced the meaning of church the past two days, and I love it. My original goal for this trip was to meet people and have good conversation, and that has happened.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Day 9 - Hays KS

Have you ever lived an entire week of waking up in hopefulness and spending the rest of your day in disappointing helplessness?

Today we woke up, expecting our package to arrive at the front desk of the hotel, like the driver of the UPS truck personally told us it would. I was skeptical since I woke up, but at least the UPS guy sounding reassuring the day before. I decided to start blogging in the middle of the day to let out my frustration, hoping that at the end of today, I will have had a positive experience to blog about. I've probably turned so many people off of my blog already due to my transparency of my feelings.

Another day of frantically searching Kansas via telephone and internet for a good samaritan that may be personally willing to deliver our part.

If we can't find someone to personally be willing to drive out of their way for us, we'll be spending another two nights in this town. I need to get out of the hotel, though. The lady at the front desk gave us a local pastor's number. He said he would try to help us with a place to stay. I need to be around people. That's why I wanted to go on this trip in the first place, for the sake of meeting people. If we leave Monday, we'll have to cut Reno out of our schedule, which I'm not to disappointed about because I could always hit the town of Reno during an acoustic tour over the summer or something. We'd also have to cut out a day of being in Oregon, but that should only sentimentally impact the quality of Paul's journey because he's the one that knows these Oregon friends. The rest of our trip would be unaffected, other than the fact that we probably wouldn't be able to stay in places for as long as we'd like to. I'm typing this and trying to convince myself that it's not a big deal. At least if we can't find help today then I will know that we have no hope tomorrow. Therefore, I won't have to be let down tomorrow and I can just spend the time enjoying Hays (I just laughed when I wrote that).

Oh yeah, did I mention that Audi shipped our package via regular ground shipping instead of next-day shipping like we had asked?

If anyone has friends in Wichita with an extra 5 hours to spare tonight, do tell.

EDIT: During J-term break, I will be traveling with my brothers in the band Aneirin to their shows in NC/SC. I'm looking forward to that type of traveling, hanging with kids that are used to loud music and crashing on floors in strangers' homes. It will be a good breather and will remind me of the lifestyle that I am used to loving: always meeting new people, always on the road. (Never discouraged by vehicle problems.)

Friday, December 26, 2008

Day 8 - Hays KS

It's hard to remember what happened today. First thing is first: We determined that continental breakfasts here are a thousand times better than those of the Holiday Inn. They even leave the Oat & Honey bars out all the time, and consequently, I did not have to purchase any food today.

The first thing we found out about the part that was supposed to be shipped to us today was that although the billing information went through, they told us we wouldn't receive it until Monday. Maybe you can imagine how pissed off all of us were, but most likely, you can't. So many things had to go wrong over and over again to keep us in Kansas this whole time, and now this! Paul wasn't going to settle. "I cannot stay here until Monday."

I was so frustrated and just wanted to cuss at someone or break something. Fortunately for Hays, Kansas, I just walked around back and sat down, feeling the beautiful weather, which in turn made me even more mad because it was like God saying, "Oh, look Phil, you're supposed to be enjoying your time here." I hate when God gives me what I want when I don't want it.

Paul, determined to get out of town by tomorrow at the latest, called up the Audi dealer in Topeka (for about the 8932570276th time) and began to try to negotiate. Audi was dismissive, unhelpful, and aggravating. I called UPS, which was actually entirely empathetic, personal, and informative. They helped a lot. Basically, there was a mix up because Audi said they delivered the part to their UPS to get shipped, but UPS said that they never received the package. After dozens of back-and-forth calls, we finally canceled the original order and had them overnight a completely new order (all of these calls being made as we are walking around town). Audi then called and said overnighting it wouldn't work. Then they called back saying it would, but for a larger fee. Then they called back and said it wouldn't. Finally, we called UPS and asked if we could just meet them at an airport to pick up the package. They gave us the number to the UPS employee who would be transporting the package, and as we called him, he told us that he would personally deliver the package to us at our hotel early tomorrow morning! So basically, if you want to run a large company or corporation, have good customer service. Please!

So we found out that we actually had another night at the Fairfield Inn booked. We weren't aware of it until we actually checked out of our room in the afternoon. During this time, the front desk lady was quite helpful. She gave me the number to a local pastor (of the same church that we attended the Christmas Eve service). This pastor was very helpful and said that if we did need a place to stay for free, since we were low on cash, he would make some calls to members of his church. It was refreshing to know that of all the churches that refused to help or blew us off with unhelpful alternatives, there were still churches willing to lovingly take kids in, even considering "what things are like today" (when they say that, I think they are referring to high crime rates and stuff).

So we're all very glad that the package will show up tomorrow morning, instead of Monday. Today for me was a serious time of pondering whether I should spend January hitchhiking. I was about ready to leave by the time that we found out we could get the package tomorrow. I'm still skeptical though. So many things have gone wrong so far, so why shouldn't another? Tell me to have faith or something Christianish like that so I can be optimistic.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying, and a special thanks to Joy who seriously wanted to help fix the problem with her connections in Kansas. Also a special thanks to Mike and Paul for tolerating me being out of character and cranky (even though we all are). My final thanks goes to the town of Hays for not hating people who are bitter and break down in their area. At least you have a Goodwill so we can pass the time laughing at those sweet mom jeans, the ones with no back pockets and elastic hips.

There isn't much to do here. Mike and Paul mentioned that to a car salesman who replied with, "Yeah, you guys aren't old enough to drink, are ya?"

We played Phase 10 for awhile and almost ordered a pizza but didn't. I'm laying on the bed we all shared last night (I'm man enough to admit that) and Paul and Mike are down on the main floor in the hot tub. I went in earlier which was a nice breather from today's insanity.

When you sleep between people, you always win. Whenever Mike wanted sheets, he would pull, and whenever Paul wanted sheets, he would pull. Since I was in the middle I was asleep basically all night, fully covered the whole time. I've been in my pajama pants since this morning.

Tomorrow we hope to be on the road to the Grand Canyon and get there around 4 AM. Then off to Cali. But of course, everything always changes.

Before I stop rambling about nothing I'd like to mention that I finished a book today. It was about two dudes who choose to live the urban homeless lifestyle and learn a lot about life, the church, relationships, the street, etc. I won't bore you with the contents of the book (even though it might be extremely interesting to most of you), but I would like to quote part of the book's summary that we all can benefit from, and I'll end this post on that note:

"What if following Him is hard? What if along the way He asks you to accomplish difficult tasks or to overcome intimidating obstacles? What if it requires more of you than you have to give?
Listen, that's the way it's supposed to be. Those places of need are where you and I discover ourselves, our faith, and-best of all-our God. It's there, in our weakness, that He shows Himself true, faithful, powerful, gracious, and loving....Your journey will lead you toward utter dependence on the King of kings and a resolution to follow Him wherever He may ask you to go....Still not sure what your risk might be? Then I dare you to ask yourself a reality-rattling question: What would I do during my day or in my life for God if I wasn't concerned with what I wear, what I eat, where I sleep, what I own, what people think of me, or what discomforts I face? Think about your answer. You're probably at least in the neighborhood of where your personal journey starts."

....Hello, America!

Take up your cross.



(I'm just glad we're not at the "Comfort" Inn)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Day 7 - Northern Hays KS

I decided to say that we are now in "northern" Hays because today we switched hotels and had to cross under the overpass of I-70 to the northern side. Thought it might give our situation a little color....

Today we woke up to my computer alarm with a relatively new Sigur Ros song. Speaking of Sigur Ros, everyone should know that a movie is coming out on Earth Day entitled, "Earth." It's all about life. Not human life, but nature and all that (animals, plants, geography, rocks, etc). The camera work looks amazing, like the quality of National Geographic photography in video form. The Sigur Ros song "Hoppipolla" will be featured in the movie, so you know that the producers knew what they were doing.

Back to the story of our day. We grabbed yet another continental breakfast on our last free day at the Holiday Inn. Paul's brother gets a family discount at Marriot Hotels so we decided to grab a $100+ room at $35 at the Fairfield Inn which was maybe a half a mile away. Another reason that we chose this hotel chain is because they have very popular breakfast buffets. Apparently the sandwiches in the morning are fantastic. We carried about a thousand bags each (Paul's ten-pound weights in one of my bags) under the overpass and finally claimed our new room. Our first operation, like excited children, was to explore the swimming area. The hot tub was so hot that we could only stand it for a few seconds at most, so I eventually just took a seat and did some reading. Then Paul and I worked out in the adjacent room for awhile, not too long.

There's a silly and ironic thing about hotels. I don't know if I mentioned this yet, but if I did, it's worth noting again....There is so much potential for community in hotels. I mean, after all, they are giant buildings created to house people living close together and running into each other. However, the big wigs in the business capitalize on the western concept of "personal space." Rooms are really created to have all that you need: beds, desks, lights, bathroom facilities, etc. The televisions magnetically keep you in your own area, as to not be bothered by others. We like personal space. We like privacy. We like self-sufficiency. Moving images of people on screens give us easy relationships. We can watch the person and evaluate everything that they do inside of the television at their expense, but they will never ask anything of us. These concepts kind of hurt the community aspect of life at hotels, but they certainly please the managers making some green.

I didn't really connect with many people at the Holiday Inn, no one but staff for sure. Here at the Fairfield Inn, however, I already talked to some other guests staying. We talked on multiple occasions and it's nice to know that there aren't just human machines going through the routines of hotel life, ignorant and self-absorbed. Then again, maybe I'm the arrogant one.

I haven't spent enough time explaining Hays, Kansas. It's economy is largely based off of the interstate. On the north side of town, you have a Wal-Mart, a few gas stations, a truck stop, bus stop, some restaurants, and about 12 hotels for kids like us who break down and like their options for shelter. In the middle of town, there is the aforementioned shopping center and movie theatre. The residential area containing a handful of churches is located on the south side of town, which we have not explored, due largely to laziness and lack of motivation. Like I said, we westerners like our space and comfort and privacy. I'll admit it. I do also, sometimes.

If you know me well, you know that I am cheap, but for dinner I created a few excuses in my head to support Paul and Mike's decision to order pizza (only Domino's and a Chinese Buffet two miles away were open today). I told myself that since we aren't driving to Denver now, we might as well spend that money that we would on gas on pizza. I mean, hey, it's Christmas anyway. I don't know. When I eat food or pay for things I just feel really convicted, especially if I am cared for regardless of my purchase. We still have a full box of Raison Bran, a cup of Ramen, some Doritos, etc. Paul says like $15 can feed 30 people in Zambia for a year. Or maybe it was $30 can feed 15 people. Either way, why shouldn't I sacrifice a meal for that? Our meal was over $15 after paying the tip. I have seen desperate poverty first-hand. It's comfortable for me to put that behind me and pretend that it's all fairy tale. That's why I need to live with the oppressed. I need to push myself (and it's not like I wouldn't enjoy it). For the sake of empathy, to keep Christ's words out of meaningless sermons and to put them into action. Real love and real living.

For Christmas, our day was relatively uneventful. We did take it upon ourselves to go out and do something, so we saw yet another movie in Hays. I think the whole town was there, about 50 vehicles in the parking lot. The movie we saw was Valkyrie, the one about an attempted assassination of Hitler. I enjoy the movies and sometimes after seeing good (or bad) movies, I consider becoming a producer some day. Maybe in my next life....

We rerouted our trip, and honestly, I'm more excited about our new plan. Instead of hitting Seattle after the new year, we're going to Salt Lake City and then coming back through Iowa. It sounds strange, but for some reason I've always wanted to experience Iowa. I mean, what a cool name for a state. Seriously. It's not like I haven't seen cornfields....but still....

I've worn the same two pairs of underwear and the same two T-shirts and the same pair of pants since we've arrived here. I know we weren't planning to stay this long, but I'm just hoping that I don't start to chafe and that I can get to a place where I can do some laundry without paying.

God willing, tomorrow will be our last day in Hays and then we can drive all night until early the next morning to the Grand Canyon. Please, God? Please? Please UPS or Fed Ex or whoever is supposed to deliver these stupid coils? What a pain machines and technology and efficiency and mechanical things can be. Yes, a blessing, if approached correctly. But often, I think that they are equally a curse.

So now I'm sitting in this comfy chair (didn't have a chair in our room at the Holiday Inn) listening to Anathallo. It's a great new album, and you should have a listen. However, I am not wearing my onesy to bed tonight again.

I know there's a lot of pessimism encircling me concerning Hays, KS. This is simply due to the fact that we broke down here and could be somewhere else. It's not that Hays isn't beautiful. I want to make that clear. Apparently Denver is not ready for me to arrive. Maybe the world would implode if I showed up in that town. Maybe it's best that I was here over Christmas. It will be a Christmas that I won't forget, strangely enough. In the future, I will think in retrospect of this place and appreciate it more, being away from it.

Also just wanted to mention that the weather here was fairly nice. About 50 degrees today with a refreshing breeze. I walked outside this morning and felt alive wearing just a T-shirt. Guys with chemical imbalances and more-artistic-than-mathematic minds like me tend to let things like soft winds and fresh outdoor scents bring out very honest emotions. The thing is, I've been off of mood-altering medication for at least a month and a half (besides that one day), so the winds that once promoted free-spirit optimism are now the same winds that present a nostalgic sense of brokenness and loneliness.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Day 6 - Hays KS (I'm going to get sick of writing that)

Today was simple enough. I woke up in time for yet another continental breakfast. Then I waited.

We were supposed to be out of our room by 2 PM (midwest time) and we knew that Paul's car would be done sometime today. We just didn't know when. At about 1:54 Patti called us, saying that the car was done and her daughter was on her way to the hotel to pick us up. I don't think I ever saw Paul as happy as at that moment this entire trip. So inwardly, I'm praising God, and outwardly, I'm gratefully running around the room packing bags and throwing them on the cart. Just as we're walking out the door, we get another phone call, this one saying that although two ignition coils have been fixed, the computer is now showing that the other two coils are bad. Our high hopes came crashing, as we knew we'd have to wait over Christmas for coils to ship again. I'm very frustrated at this point. We are now sitting in the lobby waiting to see if we should get another night at the hotel, but I'm tired of hanging around waiting so I decide to go for an unannounced walk to see if Hays, Kansas really has anything to offer. It doesn't.

I saw a truck for sale and tried to call the owner to see if he'd rent the vehicle to us for the day but he didn't answer. I explored prices for a cell phone charger at different stores, but I didn't have my wallet. So I turn around and walk all the way back to the hotel where Paul and Mike are sitting in the lobby still, talking about how one of us should try to hitchhike to Denver to pick up the part we need for Paul's car so we can get out of this place already. I'm sure my face probably lit up at the thought.

I walked across the road to a truck station, asking truckers if any of them were headed west. The first guy I encountered was really interested in why I wanted to go out there, and I explained to him our situation (a story I would repeat many times): "We're trying to get a part from an Audi dealer and if I can hitch a ride to Denver I can make it before closing with the time zone difference. Then I'll hitchhike back here so we can get the part on the car and hit the road again before Christmas is over." The first prospect was actually staying in Hays (why would anyone do that willingly, unless they had family here of course?).

With no luck at the truck station, I tried the next-door McDonald's. No customers were headed west, but I found a few people who just came from Denver. I tried to go to the truck station again. This time I encountered a lady pumping gas who was headed to Colorado Springs. Her husband considered helping out and even offered a meal and money, but I didn't accept these things as they wouldn't assist our situation. They weren't passing through Denver so they declined on giving me a lift west.

I decided to go under the overpass to the other side of the road, which I thought might be more strategic, as the cars getting off at the side of the interstate are the ones headed west. I walked in a gas station and asked a few customers if they were going to Denver. One didn't speak English and the other was only going 60 miles west.

I figured I'd clear my mind by walking to Wal-Mart again so I could laugh (inwardly) at all the people freaking out about last-minute shopping. I'm sorry if it's unloving or unfriendly and whatnot, but this year I have neglected to buy any gifts. I'm not one of those guys that's like, "December 25th isn't Jesus' real birthday," because quite frankly that's not the point and those type of people don't create an alternative date to celebrate anyway.

So after the second aimless trip to Wal-Mart, I returned to the gas station. I went inside and found no customers. Then I walked outside to speak with those pumping gas. This one cool black dude with shades and deadlocks said he was going to Denver, but they didn't have room in their minivan. I wished them a good trip and started to walk back to the hotel.

"Hey, buddy!"

I turned around to see the cashier from inside glaring at me, clenching the few teeth she had left. "You need to stop hussling my customers and get off of the property. This is a private lot!" (Maybe I should've taken the hint earlier due to the "Paying Customers Only" sign on the bathroom door.)

"Excuse me, ma'am. I'm not trying to haggle your customers, I'm just trying to hitch a ride. I don't mean to bother you."

Not listening: "This is a private lot! You need to leave!" At this she turned around to walk back inside.

"Well I am very sorry and I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas." I was shocked at my willingness to love this person that hated me, whereas earlier I had cursed on the phone to my dad about the American church not caring about three teenage boys stuck in the middle of nowhere. He said my cursing at them was worse than them not loving me. I understand that I shouldn't cuss, especially since I told myself I'd try not to during this trip (haha), but I think to a certain degree God is glorified in our authenticity, our honesty. Let me explain:

Steve Cort, my summer camp director, said the first time that he really prayed to God was when he slammed a bathroom stall door and used every profane word he knew to express how he felt. If you examine the psalms, ecclesiastes, etc, you will find some angry and vulgar literature directed toward God. Now I'm not trying to justify my tongue. All I am saying is that if in my head I am cursing at God, I might as well be outwardly honest about my feelings. I think it's healthy, you know, not bottling things up. It's a shame people are more concerned about inappropriate language than they are concerned with those living a few streets down in complete poverty.

When I was walking around "town" asking for a ride, something came to mind. Something I continually mention. Dependency. We don't want to have to rely on others for help, because it makes us seem like we've failed in supporting ourselves individually. In reality, however, we are always being dependent on each other. Take the simplest thing, like underwear, for example. We might go to the store and purchase some underwear, thinking, "Wow isn't it great that I was able to buy these all by myself?" If you look more closely, you'll realize that some farmer somewhere had to grow the cotton and then harvest it. Following that, a trucker picked up the cotton and delivered it to a wholesale distributor. This cotton was probably shelved by and employee who then loaded it onto another truck. Then the cotton was combined with other resources by other people, using machines made by other people, to create the underwear. Sometimes a graphic designer is necessary to create interesting-looking underwear, also requiring someone to print that graphic onto the main product. After more shipping is done, the product is shelved by another employee, and before we can take that item out of the store, a cashier has to scan it and take a credit card/give a receipt. We're created as dependent creatures.

Another thing came to mind when I was asking people for a lift. It's called manna. Yes, God provides, but sometimes we have to retrieve what is given. If the Israelites just sat in a circle with their legs crossed, waiting to see if "trusting God" would work, praying really hard as a substitute for acting on their problems, they never would've gotten fed. They had to actually get up and get the manna. How often do we pray about something, hoping for divine intervention, leaving the rest up to God. Now I see the value of trust in the Lord, but it requires more of a physical response than we often think. Maybe He provides lots of opportunities, but not so much physical objects. Today, instead of simply "praying and trusting God" about being stuck and wanting to leave Hays, I had to go out and see if the opportunity to leave was available. Today, it wasn't.

Being here shouldn't set us back as far as our schedule. If worst comes to worst, we will skip Seattle. We could probably still make it if we drove a lot, but I'm totally open to dropping Seattle off of the schedule and taking it easy for the rest of the trip. I am saying all of this believing that the Audi won't crap on us again.

Tonight we went to a local Christmas Eve service at a church. It was everything you'd expect at a Christmas Eve service, nothing more, nothing less. Jeremy sent me a text reminding me that Christ wasn't born in a warm building. That was pretty sweet, on account that for tonight at least, I am in a warm building. I have a feeling it will be a decent Christmas. Although it is our last free night in the Holiday Inn, we can move across the street to another hotel for less than $40 a night. I do hope we leave by Friday! Is that too much to ask? I would say, "God can we please leave soon?" but how often does what we want stand in the way of the simplicity of what He knows will make us happy?

I'd just like to note that this year, I celebrated my birthday by doing homework and now I am celebrating Christmas by being stranded. I hope Christmas is as good as my birthday was (for real, it was good, even without any parties or gifts). If not, okay. Whatever. Christ lives and stuff.

I'm also thinking about taking off J-term and doing some hitchhiking.

Good Christian men, rejoice
With heart and soul and voice
Now ye need not fear the grave:
Peace! Peace!
Jesus Christ was born to save
Calls you one and calls you all
To gain His everlasting hall
Christ was born to save
Christ was born to save

I lied

we're still stuck here. for at least two more days.

We're Leaving Kansas

!!!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Day 5 - Hays KS

Since my youth, I've always pushed myself. People call it being a perfectionist. There was a time when I was at a summer camp and I had one mean counselor and one nice counselor. The nice counselor told us if we needed to wake someone up in the middle of the night, he would understand that we might be more comfortable waking him up rather than the mean guy. All of his kids in the past woke him up instead of the mean counselor, simply due to fear. Later that week, I woke up at midnight and had to throw up. I wanted to be the bigger man and push myself so I took the chance of waking up the mean counselor first.

Today was the first day of maybe my entire life since early childhood that I lived without a goal, without trying to push myself. I just woke up and then whatever happened happened. It was the first day that my perfectionism did not show up. I fully accepted the place I was in.

I decided getting out of the room and experiencing life in Hays might be worthwhile, so I got online to find what kind of entertainment was in town. Apparently, Hays is home of the largest shopping center in western Kansas. It is about half of the size of the North Hanover Mall in my hometown. Pitiful, haha. When we were hanging out in one of the stores, Paul commented on the phone to someone that we were stuck in "some place called Hays, Kansas" and one of the employees overheard him and giggled.

We saw the Will Smith movie that is out called "Seven Pounds." I don't think this is the appropriate forum for a movie review, but I will say that I enjoyed it, personally. If you want my thoughts because you are considering whether you want to see it, feel free to ask. If not, I'll spare you the irrelevant ramblings.

As the sun set while we were in the theatre, the temperature also dropped significantly. We ran across town back to the hotel because we were freezing.

When we got back I took a book into the bar/restaurant in our hotel. I took a booth, started reading, and occasionally looked up to check the score of the Boise St/TCU football game. After finishing one chapter, I decided to move locations into the lounge area around the pool just for a change in background ambiance.

The book I'm reading is one that I traded with Katy before I left about this guy who takes it upon himself to live as an urban homeless guy. I don't agree with all of his approaches and mindsets about everything, or at least the way he explains things, but it's definitely inspiring. I think my next adventure will have to be joining the complexity of America's urban poor society. It's a really fascinating and challenging thought, and just reading about it (from this book and others) ignites a huge flame in my heart. Maybe this summer I'll have to spend some time in the streets. Witness real life. You know, Christlike outreach. Authentic ministry. A lot of mentors and family and friends would probably advise against it, which I understand also. But it's something I want to do someday, so should I let something hold me back from it? Is that how we should live life?

I really don't have many profound thoughts today. I might not even have any. Maybe it's because I didn't push myself today. I didn't try to succeed. I just lived. It's the first time that I've got the full 8 hours of sleep for two days in a row in a very long time. All I know is that I woke up, did stuff, and now I'm going to sleep; God is good because He gave us Christ and for now, anyway, that should suffice.

Hopefully the part for the Audi will arrive tomorrow morning and we will be on the road again. If not, it may be as late as the end of the week that we are able to depart from here. Nothing I can do at this point besides take what is given to me and give what is given to me.

Stuck?

Once, when I was in the deepest part of a continually failing relationship, my friend and mentor Dan Dahler texted me a rephrased version of a verse from James, saying something like, "Let patience have its way with you, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing."

In the last post I hinted at one of life's greatest motifs: being caught, stranded, stopped, deep into something. I also began to explain how our natural reaction is to seek immediate solution. As soon as things get uncomfortable, we run to comfort. As soon as we approach the unknown, we fall back to what we know. Grandpa says it sounds like my goal in this trip is to explore. I don't disagree. Naturally, one might feel like when their travels stop, exploring stops. Unfortunately, we might have to cut Colorado or Seattle or something out of our trip. Sounds like less exploring to some, but to me, I'd say it sounds like more exploring. More time to dig deep into a town, it's culture, it's people. I want to get out of this hotel room today, out into the town or at least meet some others residing in the hotel. I hate excessive comfort more than I hate my toes being cold in the car.

Sometimes I think about whether God has a reason for everything. It might be cynical, but I think some things don't have reason in "the big picture." Although, I do believe that we can give them reason, and I do believe that God can make the good come out of the bad. For example, if we spend money on a part for a car, we might be able to learn that worrying about finances is the last thing we should do in life. We might grow. Or we could opt to overturn "God's work" and become frustrated with our lack of forward momentum. In my old band, we would call it "forward motion."

This morning was spent on fifteen minutes of continental breakfast and an hour and a half of calling cab companies and churches in Topeka. Like large corporations and industries, most church numbers directed me to an impersonal answering machine. However, one student ministry icked up and spoke with me at a personal, empathetic level. They wanted to help, but given the time frame, they were unable. That I understand. What I don't understand is churches neglecting even prayer or sympathy for the needy. Maybe I'm so used to being the giver that I'm not used to being the receiver of blessing. Maybe now I am better able to empathize with oppression and human suffering. For people like Richard and Gene, help may never come. They may always be waiting. Waiting will become their lifestyle. At least I know that for me, the part for the vehicle may come tomorrow, and we may be back on the road. It might not come until after Christmas, in which case we might have to cut out sections of our trip. As long as I see the Grand Canyon and the Rockies and hopefully the Pacific Ocean, I'd be content. I mean, I don't want to ask for all of that, but I've always wondered about the landscape of the west and what it would be like to witness it in person. So I say we can skip Denver or Seattle or Reno, but then there's always the desires of Paul and Mike, which I think would be more appropriate to selflessly yield to. I'm not really one for monuments or tourism, just experiencing creation. But if others are the opposite of that, I should learn to be ok with following their lead.

Patti ordered our part and I'm hoping that all will be ok and it will arrive tomorrow. Who wouldn't hope for that?

I'm going to get out of the room and go explore or work out or something. Maybe I'll take a walk and see what happens.

To quote Paul, "Wouldn't be a road trip without something like this." I'd like to think that he's not sarcastically referring to adventure.

My cell phone is just about dead. Contact me here.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Day 4 - Hays KS

"Tomorrow we will wake up and drive to Denver."

That's how I ended my journaling last night.

I do a lot of thinking about progress, and I frequently condemn myself for living in the future instead of the present. I do a lot of thinking about whether everything that happens has a deeper reason or whether some things are arbitrarily beneficial or unfortunate.

We slept in until a decent hour and hit up a Kansas City Chick-fil-a. I was driver this morning and I drove halfway across the beautiful rolling plains of Kansas. Lots of majestic wind turbine things and oil pumps and buffalo and middle-America things. Hours later we stopped at a Flying J right off of I-70, the road we've become well acquainted with for quite some time. Stepping back into the car after pumping gas I noticed an obnoxious smell, but I kind of blew it off, thinking that maybe I simply didn't notice it when I was inside the car because I had become immune to it. When Paul and Mike got back into the car, they noticed it also. They were more determined to get to the bottom of this problem (thankfully) and started to push bags and food and pillows around. Paul saw that his $60 pillow was burnt and that someone had left the seat warmer on, which actually ended up burning right through the seat. So now one of our back seats has two large burn marks on it. The plastic is brown from catching fire and melting.

Ticked about the situation, we pushed onward to Denver, Paul driving now. We're coming up to a police unit on the highway that is moving relatively slowly. He motions to us to pass him in the right lane, so Paul steps on the gas. Right as he does so, the Audi begins shaking so Paul hits his four-ways and pulls to the side of the road. The cop pulled off as well, but then got right back on the road, leaving us in the dust without even checking on us. So we're disturbed by the flashing check engine light and stuck in the flatlands of rural Kansas, 300 miles from any of our contacts. We try driving again, thinking that perhaps the check engine light was just an electronic malfunction, but the car began to shake again. After making a few phone calls and just waiting it out for awhile, we took a risk by driving four miles to the next exit. As we were pulling into an auto shop right off of the interstate, we saw the guy inside laughing at us. He told us to go downtown (haha, downtown Ellis....right....) where we would find Ellis Auto Repair. We waited inside talking with Patti, the secretary (her busband is the mechanic). The problem was finally discovered, but we were not able to get the part today. They told us that they could make some calls tomorrow to get the part in, but there are still no solid promises. The only other option is to drive 200+ miles in the reverse direction of Denver to pick up the part at an Audi dealership (which would only be open tomorrow, anyway).

I made a few calls to churches from the town of Ellis (thanks to the help of Danika), but they all lead to answering machines. I did, however get the number of Father Curtis from St. Mary's Church who, according to the answering machine, was only to be called in "emergency situations such as a sacrificial anointment or death." Thinking that three young males with a broken down car in need of a place to stay was an equally worthy cause, I dialed the father's number. He was receptive to our situation, partly out of obligation I assume. I explained that we were from Messiah College and traveling and asked if any members of his congregation would be willing to take us in for a night. He said he'd check into it and call me back, but when he called back he said he wouldn't want to risk anything in times like today, but he recommended staying at the truck stop area or calling one of the Hays cab companies (using the numbers he provided me). I thanked him for his help, kind of wishing that he had invited us over so that I could put an end toward the bitterness of Catholicism that I've been brought up on.

Patti said she would drive us to Hays where we could get a hotel room. Paul called his dad, who somehow booked us a hotel room at a Holiday Inn for free. That's where I am now. It's funny, ya know. The Audi has caused so many problems, but we've been blessed because of it's downfall. Then Paul's mom called him and I answered cuz he was in the shower in our room. She said that it's best that we broke down, maybe, because today Denver got seven inches and all that.

The only problem is the unknown, which in all reality is what makes life interesting anyway. In fact, I'd rather be on a trip where I couldn't anticipate anything. This is a good break from things going according to plan. Life is not systematic, and that is why it is beautiful.

So we're here indefinitely, at the Holiday Inn. We have three days until we can't be here for free. Tomorrow we will wait for Patti's call about whether they can get the part for the Audi shipped in within the day. If the answer is yes, we will be back on the road soon. If the answer is no, I kind of want to take a Greyhound back to Topeka and pick up the part we need at an Audi dealership. The other option is to rent a car for a day and do that. Either way, we should be out of here by Wednesday at the latest. I mean, I know Paul would probably like to spend Christmas with his family in Denver. I would like to also. Mike's probably itching to snowboard and probably pretty disappointed that we are missing out on that currently. Hopefully a more local warehouse or auto place has what we need and can get it to us soon. By soon, I mean that tomorrow morning would be extremely convenient. But life is life, you know. You just gotta take what it feeds you and be blessed. After all, Paul got to wear his speedo in the hotel pool and we have plenty of food for the next few days. Plus access to all that pornography that we can charge to Paul's dad's credit card. I'm kidding, mom, don't judge me. We're good kids. I swear it. Just trying to give you a heart attack....

In other news, footage from our first day on the road:



300 miles from anyone Paul knows and maybe a thousand from anyone I know feels ok, actually. Just because I'm not in the comfort of security doesn't mean something is missing. If you ask me, something is gained. You learn the most in your vulnerability. Why does our culture make it so hard to cope with our existance when we live in the unknown? Our immediate solution is to seek that which we are used to (i.e. the comfort of your own room, like a hotel).

Kansas City - Day 3 Dec 21 - 11:22 PM

Three and a half hours of sleep is not sufficient if one's car loses the ability to produce heat. Maybe it's because all of middle North America was below ten degrees outside that the heat in Paul's Audi did not want to cooperate. We departed the Burns residence outside of Cincinnati at 6 AM, trying not to wake anybody. Mike drove first, but the car was only spitting out cold heat, and my toes went numb. For hours I tried wiggling them to keep the blood moving around, but I got tired and fell asleep. Thirty minutes later when I awoke, my toes were cold, hard stones. I'll skip the spiritual metaphor aspect of this rant and just say that I am terrified of being in the cold, especially since I read the story in the Jesus Freaks book about where Christians were forced to sit naked on a slab of ice in below-zero temperatures. In the car, I also kept thinking about Richard from yesterday.

We did a lot of eating in the car and didn't stop anywhere for food. We did stop in St. Louis to see that giant silver arch monument thingamajig. The museum was surprisingly professional and the employees were warm and kind. I like telling people that I'm traveling across the country just to see how they react. Lots of them seem entirely indifferent as if it's nothing at all, and I think I like that reaction the best.

Paul drove the rest of the way to Kansas City where we are staying with a family that lives on IHOP (International House of Prayer) property. If I'm not mistaken, the family has 12 adopted children and 3 of their own. This house that we are staying in is a registered children's home or something like that. We went to an IHOP service tonight, and the music was ridiculously professional. I've never experienced a televised religious service in person until today. Then we went to one of the prayer houses, where they've been continually praying without stopping for over nine years. 24/7. They pray a lot. The worship music there was even more incredible and Mike and I agreed that we didn't understand how one church can have so many amazing musicians playing all the time, even at once in separate buildings.

Whenever I am moved by music I question why I am in school for the next fours years. Good "worship" music gives me profound lyrical ideas that I just want to shout at the top of my lungs to reach out to others. I want to be an intense spoken-word/yelling vocalist for an ambient/heavy-post-rock band. Every time I think about it I question why I don't just go do it now. I have never been more passionate about the Gospel than I have when involved with intense, heartfelt music that I helped create. My sabbath from loud and desperate music is over.

Tomorrow we will wake up and drive to Denver.

EDIT: I will comment on today later on. For all those who have heard what is up with us right now, thank you for your prayers. Keep em coming. I'd rather write about these events in retrospect.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Day 2 - Cincinnati OH

Well, I must begin by summarizing yesterday evening. Got pulled over ten minutes into Ohio. Speeding ticket. I'm indifferent and unaffected by it.

Arrived in West Chester, OH at a reunion get together at Kelsey's house (about 11:30). She's part of Paul's old Young Life work crew. Everyone who came knew each other, but it's cool because I didn't feel at all excluded or anything.

Special thanks before I forget: I appreciated you being a temporary part of our trip, Megan Clapp. Have fun returning to Pittsburgh.

During our adventure to Ikea, Paul left his camera somewhere in that giant store (the same one in which I obliviously walked into the women's facilities). God is good because when we went back, Megan asked an employee if they found a camera and he said that they had, in fact, found Paul's camera.

Lots of hanging out with people and food and fun today. The climax was an ice skating extravaganza in the square/downtown of Cincinnati. I didn't want to spend more money (nor did I have a strong urge to ice skate), so I decided to take a walk around town, partially hoping to meet someone cool and partially hoping to find a cool coffee shop (I don't even like coffee) at which to do some reading. Never found the cafe I was looking for, but ran into some transparent people.

I never got the first guy's name, but he was sitting under a Brazilian restaurant's awning. I had seen him sitting there when we originally rolled into town. We didn't talk long because he was in a rush to get to his friend's house to get a shower. He accredited his blessings to God's grace which was pretty refreshing. So I got up from there and started venturing more. DJ called me and said Paul and Ally were looking for me. Concerned that they were worried at my wandering off, I started walking back downtown. I was a block from the ice skating rink when a scruffy six-foot man approached me in his crooked black beanie.

Shifting in and out of eye contact, spoken with a tell-tale tone of shame: "Hi, excuse me, my name is Gene I was raised a Baptist went to Baptist church moved here went to Crossroads Jesus Christ is my Savior in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths I was abused as a child both me and my sister were abused"

I cut off his soliciting run-on sentence, saying, "You don't have to justify anything to me, bro. Just tell me what you need."

"I'm just looking for a sandwich or something. I haven't eaten in a day and a half."

Eager to hear his story: "Are there any places around here? I would love to sit and talk with you over food."

"There's a place three blocks up the road toward the shelter where I have to grab my bags and get on the bus in time to visit my sister." At this point I became skeptical of his immediacy and intentions, so I told him that if he wanted to travel that far down the street (there were a few restaurants on our block anyways), that I would have to find my friend Paul to come with us. He asked if I could even spare a quarter, and I said no, I would like to provide the service and I don't believe in tossing out money arbitrarily to feel good about myself. I asked Gene if I could pray with him, and he was quite thankful for it. I saw a deep feeling of disconnect in his eyes. He said he felt weak and was not used to having to beg. He likes to be able to support himself. I told him that simply reveals his strength, that God created us to be dependent on each other and that only true men with true strength can bring themselves to being willing to rely on others. It's a shame that he has to create stories to scam people that he doesn't want to scam simply for a meal.

I walked back to the skating rink and met up with Paul, who had not been worried. He just wanted to know where I was so he could join me cuz he decided not to ice skate. We walked on the opposite end of town. Came across a cute ice cream and candy/baked goods shop. Then we came across Richard. He was sitting on a red milk crate with a giant jacket (the hood sticking out a foot over the top of his face), holding a cardboard sign that I didn't really read about his needing help. Paul and I took a seat on the sidewalk next to him and we asked if he liked it here. His first words: "I hate Cincinnati." Accepting the offer for food was done without hesitation. He said there was a pizza place around the corner. Megan had given me ten dollars earlier, saying to use it if I encountered an appropriate opportunity to do so. I told Richard to order anything up to ten dollars (even after insisting on buying more multiple times, he only ordered a slice of white pizza).

Our order was up quickly and we made conversation with Richard about where he was from (Charlotte) and how long he'd been in Cincinnati (6 years: 4 with family, 2 at a shelter, 6 months in the street). I like having someone around when I am with strangers, especially Paul, because you can't always be perfectly consistent in creating conversation. Where I was stuck in loving this guy, Paul filled the gaps. Where Paul was stuck, I tried to do the same.

Paul asked Richard how often someone offered him food. "Maybe once a week. Some people turn it down, but I never turn it down. You have no idea. It's fine by me."

Apparently people actually never eat with Richard. They buy him food, when they do, and then leave immediately. Laughing, he said I asked a lot of questions and talked more than anyone before. I was probably like an obnoxious child.

I thought houseless guys would always want to share their story, like Gene, but Richard's answers to my nagging questions were quite vague. I asked why his fmaily kicked him out and he said, "cuz of my mouth. I don't curse, but I tell em like it is." I asked him why he was expelled from the shelter. "Cuz of my mouth."

"Is there anything you can do to use your brutal honesty for good? Can you change the way you use your mouth for a positive change?"

Richard thought for a few seconds but replied with a straightforward "no."

As Paul was discussing college football with Richard, another much larger man stumbled toward us. "Gentlemen! I got what you're looking for."

Anticipating a pizza-shop scam, but still wanting to demonstrate some Jesus-affiliated love, I asked for his name. "My name is Rock," he claimed, flashing a gold tooth and x-shaped scar on his neck as Richard slipped back out with some impersonal goodbyes to hit the streets again for loose change of passersby.

After some thug-hand-shake greetings, Rock sat down at our table and presented a slightly used bottle of expensive cologne without a cap. He also displayed a stuffed dog. "Now fellas, I know I've been doing a little drinking; but this is $70 cologne, and I'll give it to you for $12. Smell me, just smell me. If you were ladies, you would want this, now, wouldn't you? And this dog, only $7. No, $6."

I cut him off, trying to shift conversation, "Where are you from, Rock?"

"Detroit"
"What are you doing down here?"
"Traveling. I have a vendor's license," he said, presenting a random visa card from Kentucky, with the name Emmanuel. I asked his name again and he gave me the name on the card, also presenting another card with that name, a driver's license from Ohio. I believed that this was him at this point. He put the messy pile of documents back into one of his 92735 beige jacket pockets. Paul asked Rock if he knew what Emmanuel meant, and Rock claimed that it meant "God with us" because God has always been with him yada yada yada....

"We're traveling too, Rock. We're going around the country. You have any tips for us?"
"Man, I'm just here to visit my boys. I have three boys here. They got a great mama and I wanna stay involved with their lives. You guys smoke, I also got some cigarettes...."
Paul said he didn't smoke and I said I never had but that I've considered the thought of maybe one day trying a pipe because they smell so good. I told him that we weren't interested in his products. He kept playfully forcing the cologne and stuffed animal at us, mainly me because Paul already said he had a girlfriend. I had told him that I was single and might need a little help picking up the ladies. He knew that I was just egging him on, but he tried anyway, putting the dog on my arm and leaning closer into me to make me smell the over-applied aroma.

Finally I was trying to fend off Rock's offers, and he said that between me and Paul, I was the "aggressor." He accused us of merely wanting to talk and I asked him if there was something wrong with that. I told him that I liked people and just wanted to meet him.

"Yes, but I don't just talk for free. You owe me $2."

Refusing to pay, I asked him why I should give him money that he would spend on alcohol anyway. "Because giving money is how we get our blessings."

"Do you believe that we're supposed to buy God's good will?" asked Paul.

"If I give you this dollar now," Rock/Emmanuel explained, "then later I might walk on the street and someone will hand me $1000."

When we left the shop, Rock chased us down the block yelling at us to return his gold chain. We had no idea what he was talking about, so he turned around after a few failed attempts.

Later that night I saw Gene again. He grabbed my hand, shook it with meaning, and thanked me.

I'm going to sleep now and wake up in three hours to drive to St. Louis. We'll drive another few hours from there to the International House of Prayer in Kansas City.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Day 1 - Pittsburgh PA

We've been on the road for about two hours and I have yet to feel like I've left home. Perhaps it's due in part to the fact that I am anxiously awaiting the majesty of the Rocky Mountains and the notorious storms of tornado valley, or maybe it has to do with the fact that whenever I am around people, I feel at home.

Paul and Mike have incredibly different personalities than me. Our worldviews might stray a little from each other, but I'm fine with that. If there was someone in this Audi with the same thoughts as me, I'd be aggravated with a sense of ongoing competition. I'm comfortable with my differences, especially after just reading a chapter (in The Art of Happiness - written by America's top psychologist concerning his interviews with the Dalai Lama) about connecting with people. The Dalai Lama explains the complexity of connectedness, how we can't exhibit empathy correctly if we do it the same way to everyone. More on that later, if necessary....

Right now we're parked at a truck stop right off of the turnpike. Paul's first acknowledgement of the building was, "Oh! They have a Starbucks!" I told him that if he is that excited for coffee every time he sees a Starbucks, he won't have enough money to purchase a beverage when we arrive at the first ever Starbucks in Seattle. His response, "I know. but I want it NOW!" I've never heard that one before from any Americans anywhere.

Maybe that's why I need to go on this trip, to erase my view that all Americans are self-absorbed people seeking personal ambition with the perception that "more is better."

We're back on the turnpike now. I'm thinking about food. Mostly about eating it. Not because I'm hungry but because food is the reason we're sitting in such a crammed car.

So far I haven't cursed during this trip. Paul says "up yours" counts as a cuss word, so it's gonna be pretty hard to keep my streak going, but hopefully beneficial.

We're about an hour and a half from Megan's house in Pittsburgh. She invited us over for dinner, and she will be joining us in the car tonight as we drive to Dayton, OH. It might be a little tight in the car, but Megan is small and we can still play a little tetris to get personal items situated better in the back seat.

I really don't know our agenda. I know the general route, but I like to be surpirsed; so I'm not bugging Paul about it. Planning things removes the adventure aspect, which is why I'm glad that I don't really know anyone that we are visiting.

Mike took it upon himself to read Paul's car manual. We found out that there are actually streets that require you to have chains on your tires. We decided to disregard that and stuff. Other people disregard it. Why can't we? We also discovered a small compartment below the steering wheel that's supposed to be able to hold two books. Crazy German manufactures must be crazy about their literature. Speaking of which, Paul just mentioned that he forgot to bring his German dictionary that he intended to study.

Backstreet Boys is perfect music to create nostalgia while driving through the tunnels that go through western Pennsylvania mountains.

Just some observations. More to come whenever I can pick up wireless signal next....

Today is the Day

I'll skip inventory and just say that I am going to sleep for a few hours. When I wake up, the adventure begins.

Mike and I are sleeping at my family's home, and we'll meet Paul on campus in the morning.

How does it feel, Phil?
Liberating.

Thanks to Morgan and Mom for sewing up a few pairs of my pants so that I can be clothed during this endeavor. The canned grapefruit provided is an added bonus.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

RoundTop

Hanging out in the radio station with Kate, I got a call from Mike saying he arrived on campus and that I should come to Ski Round Top with him. I almost turned down the offer, knowing we'd be skiing/snowboarding in Colorado as well. Didn't want to spend money twice.

Found our way to the mountain (I'm not used to seeing snow on it, only mud and hardcore bands). Bought some rental equipment.

The ride up on my first chair lift was beautiful. Kind of intimidating, but whatever.
I had never skied. Neither had Mike (but he's good at snowboarding). I should've taken a lesson or something. I tried to teach myself by going down a black diamond slope for my first try. Wrong decision.

After trying a few tough routes, I figured out that there were easier slopes on the other side of the mountain. I made it all the way down some of the green slopes on the first try, but I don't know how to stop, so I just made myself wipe out so I wouldn't run into people at the bottom.

I feel very accomplished. Not because I am an amazing skier (I suck), but because I feel beat up and that sure beats not going at all. I would've regretted not going. I'd rather learn that I suck now so I can appreciate the beauty of the Rockies by looking at them, not dying on them.

Jake and Kate were one goal away from defeating me in table soccer today which I felt was a disgrace because no one has come within three points of me this whole year (a little ego rubbing after an embarrassing attempt at real sports).

I'm back on our floor for my last night here, studying for my last final tomorrow at 8 AM. American Government. I don't like the American Government, necessarily, and I certainly don't like to learn about it; however, this says a lot about the professor because he actually kept me interested in the curriculum and class discussion.

I cursed at Paul a lot. He does this thing where he'll ask you how you feel and then prove you wrong (just for the sake of being right) about a part of the conversation that's entirely irrelevant. Then he'll smile about it because he can never stop smiling and then I'll get really angry because he's just glorifying himself by seeming to be better than everyone (or at least me). Anyway, I shouldn't curse at him for it. He's the only one I ever really freak out on. Really, he's not doing anything wrong, it's just his ADD and all that. I shouldn't take it personal when he wants to challenge me (and how I'm always more right than him). I should just let him talk and be right and then when he's done with showing up everyone else's knowledge, I'll continue by answering the original question presented to me. So yeah, I cursed and I shouldn't have. But the bigger issue is that I will have to tolerate other people's character if I'm going to live in a vehicle with them for three weeks. I don't know how Jesus tolerated so many diverse personalities. That seems like so much pressure. Well, he didn't go skiing and tear up his entire back and left wrist (and athletic self-image). It's not like the cross hurt that much....

Tomorrow I have a final, then I'll go home, do laundry, sleep, leave to come back to campus so we can begin adventuring. I'l try to remember to post an inventory of our groceries tomorrow. All anyone needs to know for now is that we have hundreds of Chick-fil-a free meal coupons.

Next time I at a ski mountain I'll just ride the ski lifts. They're peaceful and stuff. Or at least I'll just sit and admire all of the distant town lights you can see piercing the dark abyss from the top of a mountain. Just don't ask me to ski. Well, we'll see....

Whoever left me the basket full of candy and toiletries and a hat and stuff for the trip: thank you. It says a lot because I honestly probably wouldn't do that for you, whoever you are (Matthew 6:3-4).

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I never would've laid in this grave of a body for so long

I will open this blog session with a poem I recently wrote, and end it with one written quite awhile ago (and certainly not written well, but whatever):

" iowa mothers clothed in the death of husbands
potato one, two, planting
potato three my country tis of
liberty of trees desolate of branches
of saints sinking in shallow waters
whether daughters crave desire for their
fathers

minnesota lakes filled with protestants
scripture abiding vagabonds, nomadic
once with homes
going there is nothing
more than leaving "





It's time to leave.

Danika's text today: "You need to not convince yourself that you are at peace with just anything but that you are at peace with yourself."

She also made me tell her what it feels like to not be at peace. I told her it feels like I'm hungry all the time, but cannot ever eat food in front of me. Constant tension is in my muscles due to my horrible posture. Often I would love to cry, but I just can't make it happen. I'm completely turned off to erotic thoughts at this point, which honestly I think is a shame because sex drive is part of our humanity, part of what mysteriously makes us gorgeous as people.

Finals need to end. When I go home, I will realize my house is a temporary thing and that earth is home. I certainly like finals week; it's pretty chill and good conversations abound. Maybe that's the problem though, even when something is good in life, I'm always waiting for the next thing. The next step. The next phase of progress. No more progress, Phil. Just wake up, breathe, smile, enjoy. Smiling. I can't do it without people around. For the sake of heaven, what am I doing alone in my room right now? I'm just going to go read outside of the dining hall (pancake night) and let the ambiance of chatter circle around me. That will feel good.





" A cycle of birth, growth, and death.
The sky holds a dangerous sense of wonder.
Walking, talking in vain.
I know these tracks.
I make and remake them by day.
By night I fly through clouds,
Finding beauty is nothing more than what I've seen.
I've yet to scope the Northern Lights,
But surely he keeps nothing more in his pockets.
Vacant pockets.
Empty hearts of a seemingly true state of content.
I left the globe for the same reason I had came. "

3 days to go. But I can't be making an attempt to run away from something. I have to be running toward something. Or at least not putting the future on a pedestal, neglecting present community.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

While Naked

40 hours without sleep is horrible.
But it makes you recognize hidden truths about earth. About people.
People are beautiful, and sometimes I wish I could remove everything from earth that did not matter. I would be left with people.

Bought a 60 gig panasonic 50x optical zoom video camera today (for the trip, mostly). Also, a sweet onezy with glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs.

Also manned up to some things this weekend. Miscommunicated a lot in the process. Oh well. Not that I don't care, I deeply care, but my seriousness about affairs that I think I have control over (even though I don't) has destroyed my heart in the past. External affairs beyond my decision should not alter my love and heart for Christ and my direct mission of love for people....

Been chilling in the union for hours and hours, studying for finals tomorrow but frequently distracting myself with conversations with Kate and Blake, because they are two of the most gorgeously authentic people I know.

About to go buy tons of food for our trip with my remaining campus flex dollars at the C-Store. Non-perishable items I guess: pop-tarts, chips, snack foods, the like. Unhealthy things.

Midnight (40 minutes from now), everyone will be screaming from their dorm windows because of some weird Messiah tradition. I'll go stand outside and appreciate stuff.

Got my hair cut (really, really short). Kate asked me if I felt naked. I said not really, just cold. Then later I realized that yes, I feel naked. Not so much in the physical sense, but I could always hide behind my hair. I could refuse eye contact, I could guard my heart instead of always offering a piece of myself to people that may destroy it. Now I have no option but to be authentic, exposed, transparent.

Katina gave me The Art of Happiness by the number one US psychiatrist and the Dalai Lama. I have benefited a lot from it. She also told me much about how to appreciate a rainbow, we gotta suffer a storm. We gotta endure and observe great patience.

My life has been about patience.
I think that's what people refer to when they say, "my life sucks."

Many more ideas racing through me, but they will appear in blog form in the future. You know, like when I have time to write things. When I have time to breathe and reflect and love.

I must make time to love.
I'm being dangerously scientific.
And selfish about selflessness.

EDIT:
People are the only healing thing (no matter what pills I take)
I'm so self righteous.
My outward tranquility is a direct distortion of my inner turmoil.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

i once had a chance to breathe; now one thing creates my only opportunities

Like a computer.

Wake up early.
Walk to library. No breakfast.
Bible paper.
Eat ice cream.
Walk to library.
Bible paper. Skip class.
Pick up keys.
Drive to Carlisle.
Learn songs.
Drive back. Horrible rain.
Be late.
Drive to old high school.
Do business.
Drive back.
11:32 PM. 4 more pages for Bible paper.
Like a computer without breath.
I never breathe.


I never breathe, except when I see your smile. Except when I watch your soft eyes light up this cold, hard earth as if behind this, all was tranquil. It reminds me of the few times I've put progress aside, the times my mind and soul were at peace, marveling at you. At your beautiful laugh, my body feels lighter. My awe is only due to your composure. Your authenticity. It's the only thing real on this globe, and I don't want to leave without it.

Paul's $2000 behind on tuition and is going to pick up a temporary male stripping job to pay for his portion of our trip.
He's learned a lot about Christian vocation since he arrived at Messiah.

Like a computer.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

foreshadows

I'm going to be traveling thousands and thousands of miles through North America's highest mountains in the winter and I can't get five miles off campus before encountering car accidents.

First, our own. Morgan and I were on our way (and left campus early at that) to another house show, this one in Frederick, Maryland. If you know anything about Pennsylvania, you know that our tax dollars don't go toward road maintenance. Also, New Jersey is the only state where the primary transfer of AIDS is by needle. Irrelevant.

Anyways, even in four-wheel drive going at the same 30 mph rate as traffic, Morgan's jeep swerved all over the road and we smacked the barrier right outside Wolf's Diner. We pulled into the parking lot, just as another guy pulled in who flew off the road because he also lost control of the wheel and went over a curb. We turned to our right to see another car facing sideways in the middle of the street. Morgan did everything she could, and we were both fine. I checked her car (pretending to know something about vehicles like a real man) and I had her drive around the parking lot to see if everything felt good with the jeep (again, pretending to be a man). We went back on our way, no real harm done.

No real harm done.
18 accidents, other than our own. That's what we counted.
Cars with front ends smacked inward like accordions, trucks laying upside-down in the middle of 15 S, flashing lights everywhere. I'm thankful for life.

One can't help but imagine the realms of heaven and hell when considering possible deaths he has just witnessed. "If only he had lived another day, he could've found Christ."

What is worse than our neglect to reach the unsaved is our pursuit of individualism. Morgan kept wondering if all the people in each accident were ok. She was concerned. Not about accidents holding up traffic making us late for the show, but about the lives of people she didn't know. I want to be more like Morgan sometimes.

And then there is the "Red Lion" coach bus that flies by the right lane traffic at 70 miles per hour. A bus filled with strangers, the driver more concerned about reaching the destination in time to make an extra buck off of doing an extra route that night. Who cares about the lives of our customers when we have their money (Blood Diamond, anyone)?

Individualism. It's the simple things too. You know, I complain about paying too much taxes and I also complain about the quality of road maintenance. Basically, I want to give you less money to do a better job at maintaining my roads. Someone else needs to work more efficiently for less compensation so I can individually benefit.

We're caught up in an idea of progress. I never think to live in the present and let life happen. I look at the clock on my cell phone for no reason.

Moses did a lot of crazy things to free his people. We all know the story (or at least have seen "Prince of Egypt," no matter how accurate or inaccurate). Maybe I'm messing up the plot real bad, but when the Israelites finally get to a point in their Exodus where they find a feeling of freedom from the Egyptian rule, they discover that Pharoah's army is chasing after them to kill them. Some guys ask if Moses did all that work to free them so that they could just die out in the desert by the sword. Some guys ask to be sent back to die in slavery. One guy complains about there only being a Burger King and no McDonald's at the next exit. But Moses shuts them all up. What he says is profound, denying the idea that you have to have control, that you can do something on your own to "make progress," that to fix something is a matter in your own hands. He says, "Be still, for the Lord will fight for you."

There once was a man who inherited a lot of money from a dead uncle. He bought an island and a Ferrari. It was a private island and sometimes he would pay hot chicks to ride in his sweet car, but he never remembered their names. They were hot though. Then he would drop them off, like a nice guy, go home, and play the latest video games on a big screen TV or chill at his private pool. He bought out some businesses and had them named after him. He was publicly known across the country for babes, luxury, money, and image. Then he died.

Ever notice the guilt of gaining something for yourself, especially something material or unessential to your existence? Ever notice the genuine pleasure of giving something you love to someone else who needs or appreciates it more?

Ever recklessly give a part of yourself to somebody at the risk of losing it or having that person destroy it? God is stupid, because he created me, and I'm a risk he shouldn't have taken if he's concerned with His emotional well-being and not having his heart played with. I'm blatently cared about at His expense. I'm an idiot and forget about Him but then later He's all like, "Now you know how to love. That it sucks but it's so worth it." I go about not loving and feeling guilty. Then I'm told to stop feeling guilty and just be authentic. I'm told to stop trying to impress God and just get on with who I am (because apparently for some reason, despite sinful nature, there's deep down a little morsal of beauty in me - even when I have all the trees but want the interesting apple).

Christ said a cool thing, that He came to serve, not to be served.

I want to receive. That is not selfish. Christ wants to serve me. Guilt (and the desire to reciprocate) can no longer be my motivation to serve other human beings.

Now I just really want to. How can I be at your service? And how can I do it without wanting a badge for being an awesome Christian? Please, take away this scoreboard of my God points and all that. Don't worry about offending me.

2:03 AM - Morgan's brother's futon. Time for sleep.
Long days are allowed to be good.



EDIT: When I woke up at Morgan's in the morning, there was a Subaru commercial on television saying that they would donate $250 to the charity of my choice if I bought a Subaru. Why? they asked, "because giving feels good." They actually said that. Apparently giving is supposed to make you feel good about yourself.

Monday, December 1, 2008

I'm going to die alone

"Phil, you're going to die alone"

That's what Morgan said when we were watching James Bond and I had commented on how cute and cuddly James Bond's new girlfriend in Casino Royale was. She is very attractive and I wanted to be gentle with her and I envied James for being so BA. I think this event was significant (because it reveals that I deeply desire a connection and community with another human being) and I forgot to include it in my last post. The fact that I long for an emotional intimacy and that I am unsatisfied without it, is that lust? This topic got DJ and I talking about whether romance novels can be pornography in the same way, fulfilling some kind of need at someone else's expense.

I finished Through Painted Deserts last night. So good. I love how theology is kind of thrown to the side for awhile, especially in the ending chapters, where Don just describes how brilliant and majestic God is and how many things are irrelevant. Passion pours through his writing at this point and it is authentic. Read it if you are a homosapien.

Paul made a completely new route for our trip. Looks like we are going to Colorado after all (I get to try skiing), which I am excited about. Generally, we're kind of going through the southwest and the north when we return, instead of vise versa. I like the new route. However, we will not get to spend Christmas Eve at Donald Miller's church now. Maybe someday....

Sunday, November 30, 2008

I Am the Problem

Last weekend was very awesome because Morgan and I had the opportunity to play three shows in the Harrisburg area. They were all different from each other. I like that.

The first was a benefit show for Invisible Children. That week I had put hours of time into promoting the show for the sake of child soldiers in Uganda (staying up late making and printing flyers, working with the Human Rights Dept at the Agape Center to chip in to get a vanload of students to the show, working on music, etc). Even though they didn't show the film at the show as planned, I believe it was a successful night as far as exposing Messiah kids to a new atmosphere of music (and the banana pancakes at that diner were pretty good too). On the way home, I got to talk to Morgan about a girl that I had a crush on, which is good because she always says things I need to hear, and that night those things were encouraging things. I think I'm a lovesick maniac but I also think that's okay. So I rambled about wanting to be able to be vulnerable and selfless and loving. It's good to have Morgan's approval because she knows me well. After we were back on campus we went with Chris and Ariel (awesome people) to the spoken word night where minorities on campus passionately complained about the misconceptions of their ethnicity and identity. I like when people have a strong attitude.

The following day we Morgan and I went to a house show at Chad Frey's home. He's the director of the Agape Center and had invited me to his house show when I sat him down at the Falcon Express to interview him for an article for the Swinging Bridge. I also found out he's going to Northern Ireland with my group. Lots of students and even some faculty were at his house show, and before the main act (Justin Roth from Minneapolis) played, Morgan and I promoted ourselves by playing two songs.

We left for the second half of Justin Roth's set to go to our other show that night at a venue called the Championship, which was right across the bridge near City Island. Even though the venue was only 1.44 miles away according to mapquest, the atmosphere was so different. It's a huge old warehouse, probably the biggest venue in Harrisburg (played a few shows there when I played in a hardcore band). So although there is a sweet sound system, record store, high school scene girls, the atmosphere was entirely less personal than the house show we were just at. I found it fascinating that in America we can drive one minute down the road and experience something entirely different, even though we are essentially doing the same thing (playing music and meeting people). In another country, you can walk through hundreds of miles of villages, and you will largely get the same culture. America is beautiful because of its diversity.

Our sets have all gone well so far. At the Championship it was funny to see how peoples' character and motives impact whether they enjoy playing music. There was one band called The Study Band from Collegeville that was incredible, and had every right to present themselves as egotistical pricks, but they were very kind and genuine and fun. But then there was a prettyboy that was frontman for a local band that has been playing since I was in intermediate school, and although he is in his mid-twenties, he is still "living the dream" of trying to promote his music, his band, his image, to fourteen-year-old females that try to look like the person they stand right net to and text message the whole time the band is playing. To these "musicians," everything is a rat race. I know because I was like that at a time.

This is a good transition for me to tell you why I love the indie/folk scene. This most recent Friday, I drove three hours out of my way to play a show with Morgan in Frostburg (if you ever drive that wat, stop in a town surrounded by the mountains called Cumberland. It's old-fashioned and cute and you will meet very lovely and authentic people, and perhaps some autistic kids that like to watch you play guitar on the curb when your fingers are so cold that you cannot feel them. It's an innocent and beautiful town. I should also mention that on the way to Frostburg I was filming and a dude stuck his bare backside out of the window for me.) There is a cool place at 214 1/2 Main St (yes, that is really the address) called The Warren. Some guys who are in The Soulmobile (that tours with Shane Claiborne/The Psalters/etc) live at this house venue. We watched some James Bond until the show started and every musical act was very good. I'm getting to the point about why I love this DIY scene. Danika pointed it out to me yesterday: It reminds me of the Acts church. Everyone just wants community and a fun time together. Aaron drove up from North Carolina to play this show and didn't really want any money, and pretty much encouraged people to take his merchandise. I think that is cool. The selfless giving. If someone asks for your cloak, give them your robe, or whatever that verse is. Well if you read Acts 2 sometime, come out and experience a house show somewhere afterwards. It's a lot different than the hardcore scene. The message is through action and love, moreso than music. Although, I also miss the hardcore scene for the sake of passionate, honest writing and performance.

I crashed that night on Morgan's sofa. Her mom made a delicious breakfast, and then I was off to Westminster to meet up with Danika. She drove me to Mt. Airy and I met her family. I felt very welcomed and wished that my relationships with my own family members were as deep as theirs. Hopefully I will talk with her parents again soon sometime, because they are very wise and loving and at peace. Plus they want to know more about Messiah because Danika might consider transfering there, and because Messiah practically is a utopia on earth (sarcastic, thoguh I do have pride), I get to tell them that she should go there for reasons A, B, and C. Actually, it's Danika's decision, and because I look up to her as someone who seeks direction so well, I believe wherever she ends up will be a legitimate decision.

Danika dropped me off again at my vehicle at the Westminster mall, and I drove back to Gettysburg where I hung out at the Ragged Edge. Chris and Adam met me. I like them, and all their passion and conversation and laughing. Tara and Josh played first upstairs. They are good musicians and I like their voices together. Moreover, I like being around them because it is always fun. Josh will soon record me and Morgan at their house. Me and Morgan also palyed a good set. I got to publicly accuse Morgan of neglecting to sew the hole in the crotch of my pants. She told some humorous stories to a lot of old friends that showed up and packed out that upstairs room. Like old days, we went to the Lincoln Diner. Like old days, I didn't buy anything. Like old days, I left before most people to drive home.

I was so busy that I forgot to call Joe Markle and confirm that I could rake leaves. I called him very late, and then recalled him to say that it was probably a bad idea for me to rake his leaves this year, because this is the last day I get to spend with my family because I will be gone all of Christmas break. It's rainy anyways so hopefully he got my voicemail and is okay with it.

Speaking of family, I went to church today. I loved it. I'm getting to the point about the title of this post, finally. Morgan and I are constantly talking about our frustrations with the American church, whether it be patriotism, hypocrisy, lack of true social justice, using money as an excuse or escape, etc. Friday, Morgan quoted Ghandi, saying something about we gotta be the change that we wanna see. Then we nodded our heads, intending to be that change. So far, I haven't been that change. I am the problem.

Almost all of the conversations pertain to Christian fundamentalism (read Blue Like Jazz, and all of Don Miller's literature). Today at church, even though we had an American flag behind the drum set, even though most of the congregation is middle class, I had such a good time. Maybe that's not the point of church, but maybe it is too. I mean, the pastor said many great things that challenged me (read the beginning of 1 Corinthians 8 and James 1 and 2). The music was performed well (I believe even though some people might have their heart in it, if they are not prasing God by practicing to get good at music and all that, it is not true worship. God calls for holiness, and if you study music in the Bible, you will see that they were certain to perform it well for Him. The anything-goes mentality that my grandma and I recently discussed can't be applied to worship music. A good heart does not justify lack of ability). During the service, I realized that all the stupid unbiblical and hypocritical things that the some churches do cannot be condemned. I mean, in theory, I've had this realization before. But now I truly see that by being bitter toward the church, I am becoming everything I hate about churchgoers. Truth be told, I like MANY things about conservative, Jesus-was-a-Republican, self-righteous, holier-than-thou Christians. Just not necessarily those things in particular. I mean, I believe we are called to a righteous and holy life. I also believe that those type of radicals have a great grasp on some aspects of life and love, and that those on the other extreme have a good grasp on different things, like community and genuine love through action. We should be combining forces to advance the Kingdom of God, but it's not just the fundamentalists that are putting themselves on a pedastal about their views, it's the activists and social reformers as well. The problem for me is that I am the problem. And I am caught in the middle, but I don't think it's right to side with either party. I don't want to let go of certain great things that both groups have. I just want to unite and combine them. I think that's why Messiah dropped their denominational affiliation and mention "reconciliation in the church" in their mission statement.

Anyways, this blog as a whole is suppose to pertain to our trip around America, whih I might have completely neglected to comment on during this post. Well, here are my comments:

I told my sister I would need the video camera for our trip. She got defensive and said she needed it for a school project. I know very well, out of experience, that graduation projects at my high school are a complete joke. And I would hope very well that she would realize that I am trying to make a career/lifetime out of doing things like this, involving journalism and media. But anyways, it's all good apparently. Mom told me that some extended family chipped in for a new video camera for me to purchase. I hate this kind of thing, though. It really puts me on the spot at the last minute to learn everything possible about video cameras to make a good purchase. Mom doesn't realize how big on an investment that is for a college student. So my purchase really has to count, especially since I have basically no money of my own. I hope the video camera will arrive before we leave. I am getting very pissed off talking about this. I know that's ridiculous.

Anyways, with all that said, my family is fine. I like being home, but I also like being away from home. I'm indifferent. You know, isn't the world our home? Home is people, not a place, and just because I am biologically linked to some people does not mean I care less about others. I care about those I am biologically linked to, because I would not have met them otherwise because we are so different, but then again, if I wasn't biologically linked to them, maybe I wouldn't be different.

Monday, November 24, 2008

transcendentalism

Henry David Thoreau should have written New Testament letters.

In Walden, Thoreau chooses to live a simple life in the woods. He encourages the concept of making one's affairs few, so that he or she can focus rather than be torn in 452987 separate directions by frivolous things (which ultimately leads to a lack of progress).

I've been very much at peace this week, and I think this is why. This weekend Morgan and I played three shows, and they were all equally awesome. I am choosing to give away some clothes and I am choosing to stop thinking about myself. When someone wants my help, I help them. It's not only fulfilling, but it's fun.

I'm ready to leave home, because I am starting to detach myself from "things." I realize now that the only "thing" that really matters is people. And the Gospel of Christ. Take away everything else, and you only gain from it. (Though I could never depart with my Macintosh.)

I don't care about purchasing gift store items or even seeing famous landmarks and monuments. I'm largely indifferent. I just want to meet people. That is what gives traveling its worth.

December 19 is too far away.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Casting Bait

My only fear is that I will neglect minimalism. It's so easy to be a tourist, and it's so easy to spend money, to think about money, to consider money.

I'm ok with spending money, really, but not wasting it. If I don't need something, I really don't want it. The value of a dollar is degraded to us. $30 can feed 15 Zambians for a year, says Paul.

What I'm saying is that I better only spend cash, leave the debit card behind. I better not even bring $100, because what I have, I will spend. (Most of) the church still strongly believes in hospitality, and I believe that will suffice for me, as far as food and shelter is concerned. I need to learn to allow myself to be blessed by others anyways, without feeling the need to reciprocate. Again, the theme is opening up myself to vulnerability.

Paul informed me of a few changes. We'll be making our first stop in Ohio at a Young Life camp. I am indifferent about this. We will be then stopping at Hannah's in Minnesota. Then Yellowstone. I think that's what it was. There are two main routes to Seattle from there, one through Montana mountains, which Danika suggested, and one through Twin Falls Idaho, which professional hitchhiker Tara acknowledged as an incredible town with incredible people. My goal is to be indifferent and appreciative of everything.

Wish I could dedicate a lifetime to this kind of thing.
Oh, wait.
I can?
Minimalism at its finest?
Join me?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Genesis

My intent to become a vagabond was discovered halfway through my "being in a band" career in high school. Sleeping on strangers' floors and dumpster diving did not appeal to me until I recognized that in the universe of the music scene, these events were not only "cool," but also efficient, as far as living is concerned. However, my current, more recently developed incentive for living a bare-bones life is adventure. Adventure is central to the human heart. Some people just aren't willing to be vulnerable to embracing adventure.

Over the past month, my logic for most of my actions has been, "you only live once." I think I like it. Not many regrets thus far.

The !Kung people of the Kalahari Desert measure wealth not by how much one possesses, but by how "free" one can be. They don't understand how Americans can buy homes and material things, because to them, it seems like we are tying ourselves down. It seems like we are unable to travel and be mobile. Their philosophy is to share all possessions and duties equally.

So one night around 3 AM I was sitting in the kitchen/lounge area of my floor in Naugle Residence at Messiah College. My RA Paul came in the room and sat down and we had some small talk. I told him that Morgan and I were considering doing some touring over winter break with our musical endeavors. He asked if we'd like to come along with him on a big road trip across America. "I always wanted to travel the country but I never found anybody adventurous enough to do it with." I thought that was absurd, that nobody would consider leaving their "things" behind, considering that you only live once. I told Paul I would go with him.

The next day I presented the opportunity to Morgan and she declined, although she said it would be an enjoyable journey. She had family and friends to see over the break which I completely understood/understand.

So it was decided that Paul and I would go travel America, stopping at friends' homes everywhere between Pennsylvania, Seattle, the Grand Canyon, and Dallas. It was also decided that another person would have to come along to cut gas costs (we estimated a safe $350 per person). We would sleep in the car (Paul's Audi) or on living room floors and use many of Paul's hundreds of Chic-fil-a free meal coupons. I will save up my campus flex dollars and buy out the campus grocery store the day before departure.

So that was the story back in September. It is now mid-November, and since then the following things have occured:

- Paul has decided not to go, to go during summer instead, and finally officially redecided to go during winter break. He has finally expressed his official dedication to the trip.
- Paul's friend Mike, from Paul's hometown (Salisbury, MD) would come along
- It was decided we would each drive roughly 4 hours a day
- It was decide we are going to videotape and journal our adventures (via internet/this website?)
- I got dumped
- I got a $10/hr job on campus
- I worked two jobs for a month
- I met awesome people
- I have fully completed 11 textbooks and novels in a two-month period
- I got accepted to go on a service trip to Northern Ireland over spring break to share Jesus with the world

I purchased two copies of Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller, and Paul and I have been reading together. Right now I'm about 5 chapters behind, but tomorrow is partially devoted to catching up with him. The story is about two boys who leave home in an old VW van. It contemplates the "why" of life rather than the "how." It's good preparation for our own road trip. It makes me wish we had more than 19 days for our own journey. I'd like to work without a schedule.

This book I speak of is the reason for this blog's URL ("TheWordIsLeave"). In the author's preface, he talks about just leaving things behind that tie you down, to just get out and fully live. To hold nothing back. "It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change....I want to repeat one word for you: Leave."
These words are what inspired Paul to finally just drop his concerns about the future and just do this trip. I am proud and thankful for these words and Paul's response to them.

My goal is to encourage all people to leave. I work with Phonathon and call Messiah alumni, asking them for advice to me as a college student. The theme reoccurs: "Enjoy it while it lasts." They imply, "Just wait until you have to handle the real world." This is a sad thing. I don't think there's anything that says you shouldn't have fun in college, but at the same time, it shouldn't be the time of your life; it should prepare you for the time of your life. Hear this, America: I will not be what you want me to be. I will live life. When I am 94 and living on a morphine pump, I will not reflect on life in regret of not taking a chance, not pursuing adventure. When there is a risk, I will take it. When there is a dangerous, Kingdom-advancing opportunity, I will take it. When to live for Christ means love and sacrifice, I will do it. When earth's most gorgeous female exists, I will vulnerably present my heart and selflessly guard, encourage, and provide for hers (and it will be beautiful). I will live.

One reason besides college that I left my old band is the rat race. There's a mentality that Satan has wildly dispersed throughout the Christian hardcore scene that says, "who can get signed first" or "who can sell the coolest merchadise to the most people." I will no longer give into our culture's numerous other rat races that promise nothing as a reward. I will store treasures in heaven. I will be bold now, because that means I will have to be held accountable to truly live, which means I will be fulfilled.

Today I met Mike, who came up for the weekend. I am glad I met him. I believe most of the bonding between Paul, him, and me will be done on the road. That's where we will really learn about each other.

We leave December 19, the day after finals. We'll make projected stops in Wisconsin, Minnesota, Yellowstone, Seattle, Oregon (Christmas with Paul's friends), Cali, Nevada, Grand Canyon, etc etc, among others.

I can't get too ahead of myself, though. There's still many things to enjoy between now and December 19. These things include, but are certainly not limitted to: actually being Thankful at Thanksgiving, talking to DJ at 4 AM about why he's a communist, seeing average-quality musical performance with Morgan at the Union (while listening to her insight from philosophy class), coming back late at night to find roommates (Austin and Dave) laughing histarically at The Office, getting 2 hours of sleep on select nights, filling out my application to study in Uganda, finally not having to get up for my original campus job, talking to Danika on iChat during class, etc etc etc

Truth be told, I have nothing to complain about. I am blessed. And it's ok to be blessed.

Thank you, Chris, for your inspiration and legacy of walking from Minnesota to Philly.
Thank you, Mom, for tolerating me and not making decisions for me (because really, I know what I'm doing, right?).
Thank you, Don Miller, you freaking inspiring guy.
Thank you, Psalters, for playing on our campus.
Thank you, students, for talking to me as a stranger in Lottie or Boyer or wherever we met. Without knowing it, you are my daily inspiration, and your enthusiasm is like electricity to me.
Thank you, Christ, for without your love, I'd be too afraid to go anywhere. For always allowing me to come back to you. For teaching me what my studies in cross-cultural ministries are all about, how I can not just simply speak the Gospel, but live it. For not revealing an understanding of grace to me.

For being all that I am not.